Not Letting Fear Stop Me

Day 35 (March 10, 2019)

Hey Big Man,

            So, I accepted the request to be greeter again at church today. Is it bad to say that I REALLY did not want to do it? The last time I did it, I was approached by a homeless man while I was alone outside the door, and it put me a bit on edge. I know one of the reasons why: Remember when I was 16 years old, my dad took me and a few of my friends into downtown San Diego and, while we were walking down one of the streets, a homeless man came at me and one of my best friends extremely aggressively. My dad—a retired 6’4” police officer—quickly got in between us and the attacker. The man stared at my dad, and back at us girls, with such vehemence in his eyes as my dad firmly told him, “You really don’t want to do that.” (My best friend remembers the man clearly holding a knife, but it was the man’s face that has stuck with me. I can still picture the man’s longer, messy, curly hair and his fidgety eyes.) Seeing no way around the protective wall, my dad had created with his body, the man eventually turned and walked away from us. It was an experience I wish to never repeat, and I cannot thank my dad enough for protecting us girls. (My dad will always be my hero, Lord.)

            So, as you can probably imagine, Lord, my flight reflexes were screaming at me when this other homeless man approached me while I was the solo greeter in front of church a few weeks ago. (I didn’t mean to judge this other homeless man based on the previous homeless man’s behavior, but it was really hard to quiet the unease.) It was a relief to me, though, that as the man came closer to me, he began to smile genuinely. A different form of unease quickly replaced it though because, as he made his way through the church’s gated entrance, he spoke these words, “Hi, I am a virgin. Can you help me with that?” It was probably the most awkward, yet hilarious, point blank statement/question I have ever had to answer. Understanding that the man, though seemingly nice, was most likely not 100% mentally stable (I mean who is really??), I did my very best to be kind while also, at the same time, clearly tell him no.

            Not truly phased by my rejection, he struck up a conversation with me, still outside the church, ranging in topics from my smile all the way to the other ladies he hoped could possibly help him with his dilemma. (Can I be honest, Lord? Even though it was a horribly awkward conversation, with a complete stranger might I add, he was truly a sweet soul who actually spoke about how he wanted to respect the women he was talking about.) Soon though the man did ask if the church had warm meals. I informed him that he was completely welcome to head on in and help himself to the hot coffee, tea, and snacks in the back corner. (Which I believe he did.) And you know what, Lord!? He even took a welcome bag I gave him and sat listening to the service for a while before leaving early. Even though I was a little scared of him (sorry Lord!), I hope I did okay and was kind enough during this second interaction with a homeless man.

            So, alas, that brings us back to today’s greeting experience. Though it would seem I am a magnet for interesting situations, I can report that nothing out of the ordinary happened while I was greeter today. I just stood outside the door and welcomed mostly regular church members into the service. Then, after two worship songs were sung, I headed on into the church so I could listen to the sermon. Wouldn’t you know it Lord, I learned how you are “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6), and how you are the only one who can truly unlock the things that enslave me—like fear.

            You are the one who can help me push past all the things that make me feel uneasy towards being greeter. Firstly, though you may not take away my struggle with Trichotillomania, you still can help me utilize tools—like my glasses and beanies—to help me feel comfortable enough to stand outside, look people in the eye, and welcome them to church. Secondly, you can help me break my OCD fears. When my OCD tries to convince me that I have violated someone somehow, in front of church, you can feed me the undeniable truth that I did no such thing. And, when my OCD fights back, you can bring Dane to me to confirm the truth you have already written across my heart and mind.

            Lastly, though I have now had multiple different kinds of experiences with homeless people, you can help ease my fears about being approached by them outside of church (because most homeless people are not violent). Lord, you can be the tug on my heart that lets me know when a situation is awkwardly safe, and kindness is the way; or it is a dangerous situation, and flight is vital. Lord, I know that you helped me accept today’s greeter position and that you helped me push past multiple fears. I think the next thing on the list is to work on helping me accept the position with a happy servant’s heart. (Oh, and hey, I have a great idea! You should be a greeter right alongside me, Lord. People would love to meet you!)

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Lord, please do not let fear hold others back from helping their church family out on Sunday mornings or afternoons. Show your children that you are the one that can unlock the things that enslave them. Please, greet those who do not know you yet, and open their hearts to a relationship with you because all of us are searching, one way or another, for the freedom only you can provide.

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.