Being a Bad Ass in Our Own Unique Way

Day 37 (March 12, 2019)

Lord!

            It is well past midnight, so I guess it technically counts as the next day. Man, oh man, I am just riding on a major high right now. Dane and I got back home, a little while ago, from a company screening of the movie, Captain Marvel, and it was SPECTACULAR!! It was just so awesome that the main character—Carol Danvers (Vers) aka Captain Marvel—was a strong woman superhero. She did have special abilities, but what was so important to me was the fact that she began as, and always would be, human—not a god, demi-god, alien, or some other superior being. She really was a freakin’ bad ass heroine, Lord. When Dane and I got home, I just took his hand and thanked him so much for working on a movie which showcased the strength of women but, at the same time, did not disparage the worth and might of men. (Men and women are both strong in their own ways and each should be celebrated in my opinion.) Honestly, Lord, I left the theater wanting to glow magnificently just like Danvers. (I would be totally down if you allow us to glow in Heaven, Lord.)

            Ha, I just sat on the couch sighing, Lord. I kept thinking, dang, I want to be a freakin’ bad ass like her. That is when it kind of sank in, Lord. I may not be an air force pilot, with super abilities like Danvers, but I am still a strong woman in my own right. Each and every day I go to battle with debilitating, unwanted and intrusive, thoughts that try to make me believe that I will hurt or violate someone in some way (which would go against my character and faith). I fight compulsions where I constantly feel the need to wash my hands and check that the sinks are off. I war against the nearly irresistible urge to pull out my eyebrow and eyelash hairs whenever I am struggling with my OCD. Lord, I combat a possible chemical imbalance, within my body, on a daily basis. (I never get a day off.) Sometimes, I do not win the battles, but I never give up. I keep smiling and fighting and, honestly, I am not trying to be boastful, but I feel like that is pretty bad ass.

            Plus, I think it is cool that, with your help Lord, I have really started opening up to my friends and family about my different struggles. It sure is hard. I mean, I’m not going to sugar coat it. Just think how you would feel if you told someone that you pull your eyelashes and eyebrow hairs out. (Ha, I know I am talking to you, God, just bear with me.) It is just that it is freakin’ terrifying, God, because you never know how a person is going to react. Will they be disgusted? Will they feel awkward? Will they want to distance themselves from me? Or will they not care a wink and just love me to pieces? (The unknowns have definitely held me back a time or two.) But it does get easier, each new time, to open up just a little bit more. Plus, if the person tells me that I am a freak, then they should not be in my life anyways. Again, Lord, I am not trying to sound arrogant, or boastful, but I think it is pretty cool that I have decided to share my OCD struggles, and my battle with Trichotillomania, with others—even though there is a risk of rejection or name calling.

           Honestly, I just hope that my opening up will help someone else see that they can open up too and that will enable them to unburden their load. (As someone who understands these struggles, I just want people to know I am willing to war against anxiety right alongside them. They don’t have to battle alone, Lord.) We can be strong together, women and men alike, because we have you, Lord, and I know you turn weaknesses into mighty strengths. Anxiety disorders do not need to lead us down paths that render us useless. Instead, what I hope happens is that we turn those paths into great avenues where we become freakin’ bad asses for you, Lord. (Please pardon my French. Just feelin’ spirited over here—AND STRONG!)

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. God, will you please help those who struggle with Trichotillomania and OCD to see just how strong they are through you!? Remind them that their anxiety does not need to render them useless but, instead, can be the platform they use to do mighty things for you! And, please, help us all to see the strengths in each other—women and men alike—because each strength is vital and allows us all to be bad asses for you in ways that are separate, yet uniquely collective.

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.