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Day 41 (March 16, 2019)

Hey Big Man,

            Today was the day! Dane got all the right tubes hooked up to the new washer, and then we did a test wash—just a clean tub load—to make sure there were no drainage problems. You should have seen Dane, Lord. The only way to see if there was water on the floor of the small nook was for him to lay flat across the washer, with his legs dangling out into the hallway, so he could peek his head over the back. There was just no room to go around. It took every ounce of will power not to tickle his sexy behind. (Ha, okay, I might have not been able to resist for a split second.)

            Anyways, I am happy to report that there were no drainage problems with the new tubes. And the tub, inside the new washer, did not rub incorrectly on the inner rubber lining like the previous washer had done!! So, after 12 days, we finally had a working washing machine and were able to do a load of laundry at home! Wooo!! Ha, as you can tell from the picture, poor miss Maple was not so sure about that water sloshing around inside the washer. I held her near it for a little while, but very quickly she was over the curiosity. (She was super sweet, though, because she did give me little nose kisses for my efforts.)

            Lord, I must take a second to thank you for Dane’s pal who let us use his washer and dryer while our washer was out of commission. He lives in the next section of condo units just 30 seconds West of us. (So, we didn’t end up having to utilize a laundromat.) We only inconvenienced him one Sunday, out of the 12 days, but he didn’t have to let us use his washer at all. So, it was extremely kind of him. (He is such an “angel.”) Ha, Dane paid him back with a beer—or two—and I think he was totally fine with that type of thanks!

            So, we have a working washer now, but you know what felt really good today too, Lord? I went through the entire bathroom—everything on top of the washer and everything inside the cabinets under the sink—and got rid of anything I had not used in over a year. You know what I found that I had the most of, Lord!? Like over 15 toothbrushes!! Every time I go to the dentist, I am kindly given a new toothbrush and floss. (I guess I have just been stowing the toothbrushes away in that box on top of the washer. Haha, who knew I had become such a toothbrush hoarder!) Now don’t worry, Lord, I did not throw the extra toothbrushes away. They are still in their packaging, unopened, and we will donate them. (Maybe the homeless shelter near our place could use them? We have small tubes of toothpaste too we could give along with them.)

            It felt so good to organize, Lord. I am such an organizer. (And list maker as Dane would say. There might be post-it notes everywhere to prove his point.) Plus, it was long overdue to go through the box on top of the washer. I got rid of a bag and a half of unneeded or expired items. And, you know what!? Now, the box only has two items that bother me inside of it. I placed those two items—the air freshener and an athlete’s foot spray—towards the back of the box, but still in reach if Dane needs them, and it has helped my anxiety a bit. Honestly, I am still scared that I will mess with the two items—and my actions will hurt us or our animals—but those irrational fears should die down some now that the items are less accessible and no longer need to be moved around. Lord, what I really need to do is remind myself that I have never utilized those two items in any harmful way—EVER—so all evidence points to the fact that I will not do anything horrible with them now or in the future, even if they have to be moved again.

            The thing is my mind has a hard time fully believing this truth no matter what the items are, for some reason, so I take extra measures—putting items in what I feel are safe, less accessible, places—in order to keep them away from me and allow my brain to feel all is safe around me. (It really makes me sad, sometimes, the lengths I go to “protect” everyone around me from me. What I am really doing is protecting them from absolutely nothing.) But by having the air freshener where it is, in this case, I am able to tell myself that I did not handle it, and all is safe as I walk out the bathroom door. I am able to tell myself this truth because messing with the air freshener would require me to stick my arm in between the dryer and washer to get to it, and that is a type of action I can easily tell my brain I had not done. Similarly, with the athlete’s foot spray, I am able to tell myself that I did not mess with the push down part of the spray bottle and therefore did not have the opportunity to hurt anyone. I am able to tell myself this truth because the action, of messing with the push down part of the spray bottle, would require an extra obvious step—taking off the spray cap—along with the already difficult action of reaching in between the washer and dryer to retrieve the bottle. Again, those would be types of actions I could easily tell my brain I had not done.

            Believe me, I realize these extra measures are unnecessary, but I am doing my best, Lord. I’m just trying to do whatever I can, so my brain can let go of its obsession with the items and know everything is safe. (And that little bit of reorganizing is what helped my mind feel extra secure today.) Plus, I always feel great when I am able to weed through stuff and get rid of the things I do not need. Less clutter is so much better for my brain. (Clutter equals elements for chaos, and I want to avoid that as much as possible.) I also feel great when things are in working order and that is now the case for our washing machine. Just need to work on unclogging that unruly sink drain, then things will be in tip top shape. Not perfect by any means, but at least back to Team Wylie’s norm, and I will take that, Lord.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Lord, I know there must be others who are taking these unnecessary extra steps to “protect” everyone around them from themselves. Please, help us to one day be able to trust the truth of the matter, that we would not harm someone intentionally, without feeling the need to back it up with extra protective measures. The thing is, if we wanted to utilize sprays in dangerous manners, we definitely could, but we don’t. Putting something a little further back in a box does not give the truth any extra power. The truth is the same as it was before the extra measure was taken. Help our minds to truly grasp this, Lord. Free us from these extra steps. Please, from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.