Battling the “F*** It” Mentality

Day 2 (February 5, 2019)

Hey Lord,

            My mom is probably going to guffaw when she reads the title of this letter. (Haha, I put the asterisks in there just for her.) But, Jesus, the title is truly something I need to talk to you about. You see, I have a little over seven weeks left until my eyebrows and eyelashes grow back in fully, and the first few weeks—of my typical nine-week re-growth timeline—can sometimes be the hardest part to get through. The thing is, during the beginning part of the waiting period, little happens on the surface. No hairs are growing in visibly, and I never see any obvious results. I start to battle indifference and, like I mentioned before, a kind of “f*** it” mentality. (I apologize for that word, Lord, but it is the word that seems to truly get my point across.

            It is hard to look in the mirror each day and not think of myself as some deformed freak. I battle an inner dialogue that goes a little something like this, “F*** it, I already look disfigured. So, why not pull the rest of the remaining hairs out. It doesn’t really matter at this point. I am already going to have to hide this partial pulling with hats, beanies, and makeup anyways.” Jesus, sometimes I am not strong enough, and I do pull the remaining hairs out. I tend to go into a depressed spiral for days and days afterwards—sometimes never leaving the house for up to a week. But I am happy to report that this time, I only pulled a few more hairs after the main episode, and I only spent a few days being a bump on a log (while watching an unhealthy amount of house repair shows.) I still have large portions of my eyebrows and eyelash lines remaining and that is extremely encouraging.

            You will be proud of me, Lord, because I utilized that positive will power to push back on that “f*** it” mentality, and I was able to focus on some positive self-care—like at home exercising. In my head, I thought if I became more active then two things might occur: First, holding weights could lead to less pulling since my hands would not be idle; and second, all those happy endorphins might actually put me in a better state of mind which in turn could allow me to see my face through the eyes of perseverance rather than through the eyes of defeat. Honestly, Jesus, I just wanted to do something that made me feel good about one part of my body, at least, and then maybe that positivity could spill onto the parts I was feeling indifferent about.

           As you know, I did about a 25-minute workout utilizing that work out video I had saved to my phone. The work out is pretty perfect for me, seeing as how it is geared towards smaller at home environments. (Right up my alley since our grand 500 square foot city apartment has sooo much space . . . too much if you ask me lol.) And Lord, let me tell you that pretty lady on the video kicked my butt (and my glutes and my quads if I am being completely transparent!) I hope to be able to walk tomorrow, but we shall see. In any case, I must say being active did make my anxiety go away for a while—and it did make me forget about all my hair issues—so to me that makes it all worth every aching muscle. So, Jesus, I love you so much and can’t thank you enough for leading me to that specific work out video. It has really helped me keep that “f*** it” mentality at bay. Thank you, again!

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Lord, please help those who are also feeling those awful feelings of indifference, and defeat, to remember that they are strong and created to persevere mightily. Allow them to find some sort of active pastime that they will enjoy and that will help them not be idle. Let them see themselves through the eyes of happy endorphins but, more importantly, let them see themselves through your eyes—full of positivity, encouragement, and compassion.

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.