Breaking Ice and Isolation

Day 3 (February 6, 2019)

Hey Big Man,

            Today I did something that is extremely hard for me. I got out of the condo on my own. Though I didn’t go far, I am proud that I pushed past the apathetic cloud that was surrounding me, got in my winter gear, and set foot on the porch. All day the city experienced long bouts of freezing rain, and our porch, stairs, and little pathway—the one that connects to the main pathway of our condo complex—were all covered in a thick layer of ice. And since I was the one home, I thought it best that I clear all of it before Dane walked home, in the dark, and tried to climb up the treacherous walkway to the door. (No slipping and sliding—or cracked skull—on my watch!)

            The thing is, Jesus, it has been so hard for me to leave the house lately—even just to go on the front porch. Before even walking out the door, my OCD was being a bully. It was whispering lies such as: You will touch someone inappropriately if you go outside or you will speak horrible things to someone walking by. Believe me, I realized there was absolutely no evidence to suggest I would do anything like the things that were popping in my head, but my OCD was, and always is, so loud and obsessive. It has a way of muddling everything up and drowning out the truth. The beautiful truth that I am a woman with a soft heart who cares deeply for others’ positive well-being (especially my husband’s.) But you will be proud to know my will power became louder than my thoughts, and I did not let the lies stop me from helping keep my husband safe.

            I decided to get all bundled up before heading out into the bitter cold. In the back of my mind, I was also worried that someone walking down the sidewalk would notice something off with my face. So, I came up with a plan. I put on a few swipes of mascara, and then positioned a blue beanie, with wooden hearts on the side, atop my head. (You know the beanie, Lord. The one that has edges that fold over into a point on one side—making me feel a bit like Robin Hood.) My blue beanie disguises one eyebrow really well, since the side with the hearts tilts down a bit, but that does mean one eyebrow is left slightly exposed. In the end, I thought this would be no big deal since I did not expect to talk to people in close range.

            Pushing aside my fears, I soon walked right out the door and found out pretty quickly that shoveling ice was quite different than shoveling snow. But this Southern California girl was not deterred. (Is it weird that I love to shovel snow and ice? I mean, my dad is from Buffalo, NY. Snow must run through our veins haha.) Standing atop the stairs, I wacked the ice on each step with the shovel—shattering the layers—and then scooped the load right over the railing. I did this along the entire stairway, then met a challenge when I reached the bottom pathway that connected with the main pathway of our condo complex. The ice was soooo thick that the shovel hardly made a dent. But what I found out was that if I pounded the edge of the ice with the heel of my boot, my body weight was enough to crack the ice. So, little by little, I cleared the entire pathway, stairway, and porch. (Phew!)

            Jesus, I sure was proud of that hard work, but you know how I did a major leg work out yesterday? Well, I think going up and down those stairs nearly did me in! (It kills me to try and sit down . . . worst of all is seating myself on the toilet haha. TMI??) But being brave and going outside to break ice was worth it because I broke down some of that wall that has been isolating me from the world around me. You know I interacted with two of my neighbors while outside, and guess what!? I did not violate or say anything terrible to either of them. AND neither of them noticed anything off with my face. All we did was exchange pleasantries and laugh about how ridiculous traversing the ice encrusted pathway was. (Holy moly it felt so good to interact with other human beings.)

            Man, oh man, I did a really big thing today, Jesus! Your girl decided to not be a hermit but, instead, decided to step out into the fresh (freezing) air and interact with the world outside her condo walls. I am so proud of myself, and I hope you are proud of me too. Thank you for helping me be louder than my unwanted thoughts. Lord, thank you for helping me break ice and break through my self-imposed isolation. I love you very much.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Thank you for my “Robin Hood” beanie, Lord. Can you please help those who are also feeling isolated, find something in their wardrobe that they can wear—a creative piece of armor—that will help them feel comfortable, and courageous enough, to be louder than their OCD and walk right out their door? That would make me so happy, Lord, and probably mean so much to them. Thank you!

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.