Loving Myself Through the Baby Steps

Day 4 (February 7, 2019)

Hey God,

            As I am sure you are aware, my Trichotillomania makes me feel extremely ugly. Most days, when I am missing large portions of hair, I see no real reason to get beautified. I almost never put mascara on. Normally, I will just get in one of Dane’s baggy t-shirts, the comfiest sweatpants I can find, a pair of my favorite holiday socks, and my go to slippers. (My slippers are probably the “fanciest” thing out of the ensemble. I mean two bows and a couple jewel beads would pass as fancy, right?) To tie the look together I normally throw my hair up in a silver clip to get it off my neck. What helps fuel this look—other than the fact that I am missing eyebrows and large sections of eyelashes—is the fact that I write from home and am not required to leave the house on an everyday basis. So, there is no real need to dress to impress.

            But today, God, I chose to make a small effort just for me. I had no one to impress except for myself and that was enough. In the back of my mind, I already knew which top I was going to put on—my purple and pink flannel. (One of my very favorite tops because of the deep jewel tones.) After grabbing the top, I showered, and blow dried my hair. You know me, I hate blow drying my hair, so by the time that was done I just didn’t want to deal with my hair anymore. This was when I really had to push past my apathetic mind set and force myself to pin half of my hair up, atop my head, in preparation for straightening my hair. With my hair out of my face, I put a few light swipes of mascara on and then went about the business of straightening my hair. And, if you ask me, the result was worth it. My blonde hair looked quite nice straightened to its full length, and it felt super soft and flowy. I had one of those rare moments where I actually felt pretty, and my attention was not on my missing eyebrow or eyelash hairs.

           I guess the funny part about this whole thing, Lord, was that I only beautified the top half of me. You see after completing my hair, I put on my black and white striped socks—you know the ones with the super cute pumpkins near the ankle—and then, of course, my favorite comfy sweatpants. Now when I think about it, I may have actually beautified my feet too because I LOVE my pumpkin socks. And, since my socks make me happy, I guess I technically only didn’t beautify the middle part of me. (I know, I know, black and white stripes don’t go with purple and pink plaid, but I felt really good with both on, so it is a win in my book!) Wearing some of my favorite clothes, straightening my hair, and putting a little bit of makeup on, especially since I didn’t really have to, was a victory and something to be proud of. It was a baby step on the path to breaking my insecurity and focusing on the positive aspects of myself that are there instead of always focusing on the negative things that are missing. And maybe as I walk that path, I can start to see myself the way you see me Lord—purposefully unique. I will do my absolute best. Love you, tons!!

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Lord, I know there must be others out there that feel insecure about how they look without their eyebrows or eyelashes, so can you please give them the courage to take baby steps towards breaking that insecurity? Can you please show them that they were created uniquely, and remind them that their uniqueness has a purpose? And lastly, will you help each and every one of us to love ourselves along the way? Thank you!!

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.