The Day After

Day 7 (February 10, 2019)

Jesus,

            How is it possible to love you so much, but also have such mixed-up feelings when it comes to trusting you? The thing is, I have seen you help in other areas of my life. Remember that one day, when I felt your presence as I was driving to work on that straight-away country road? Nothing was going on, and it wasn’t like I heard your voice or anything audible. I just felt your presence and knew, without a doubt, exactly what you wanted me to do. I obeyed your instructions and slowed way down so that at least five car lengths were in between me and the small truck in front of me. It made no sense until about thirty seconds later, when the driver in the small truck made a left turn, across the other lane, on his way to the bread store. I don’t know how he didn’t see that larger truck barreling towards him in that lane.

            Within moments, the sound of crunching metal exploded in the air as the two trucks slammed into each other and then spun into the lane right in front of me—narrowly missing me. As they were spinning, both vehicles crashed through the barbed wire fencing—which separated the road from the far side pasture—before sliding to a complete stop in the field. Me and my coworkers, who had been driving in the van behind me, parked on the side of the road and ran headlong into the pasture to help whoever were in those trucks. One of the drivers ended up having a head injury and was bleeding so much that he had to spit it away constantly. (Surprisingly, Jesus, I found out that blood does not bother me so much. Broken bones are another story completely.)

            We immediately called 911 and retrieved a towel so the driver could press it to his injury and, hopefully, staunch the bleeding. Soon help arrived and it was then that my coworkers and I left the drivers in the good hands of the police and medical professionals. Nobody lost their lives that day. Deep down inside, I know that if I had not acknowledged that feeling that came over me—and slowed down like I knew you wanted me too—then both me and my coworkers would have most likely been impacted by both spinning vehicles, and then who knows how everything would have faired, in the end. (I am sure you knew, Lord.) And, Jesus, I do not bring this story up to be boastful. I bring it up because, in that moment, I felt your presence so fully and completely. You spoke to me, not audibly, but in a way that my soul understood. I knew you were there with me. FATHER, YOU WERE THERE. You protected me then.

            What I am begging for is that you be near me and protect me now too! I may not be facing a life-threatening situation but, please, let me know that you are there with me when the hair pulling urges strike. Please tell me that you will protect me from my obsessive, and unwanted, thoughts. (Lord, I know what it is like to feel you near, and I am absolutely dying to feel that same sort of nearness, and presence, in this area of my life.) I am sorry if I am asking too much. Believe me, I know you have been there and protected me so many times—in so many ways—Lord. But, Jesus, when it comes to my OCD and Trichotillomania, there is so much silence and brokenness. Often times, I cannot feel you with me when the hair pulling urges come upon me. Everything around me feels so dark and hopeless. I love you so very much, but I am having trouble trusting that you love me in this area. Lord, I am clinging by a thread. It is just so hard to see, and feel, your presence in other areas of my life, but experience emptiness when it comes to this area that I have suffered with for nearly two decades.

            I am sorry if I am sounding ungrateful. Honestly, I am so thankful for the help you provide in my life. It is just so hard the day after a hair pulling episode. During this time, I go from needing to feel your presence so badly it pains me, to needing an outlet to help me forget everything that has happened. A war ensues between the desire to read your word, and pray to you, and the pull to fill up the silence with the calming drone of the television. Right now, I will be honest, I did not read your word, but watched tv instead. It is because I am fighting feelings of abandonment, and anger, and I just couldn’t read your word with a fully open heart today. Not yet anyways. Please don’t be disappointed in me. I am still writing, and talking to you, so I have not given in completely to the doubts that are filling my mind. I know I will pull through—I always do. Just please be patient with me as I come to terms that I must restart my hair growth timeline, for my eyelashes, and as I work my way towards trusting you with my Trichotillomania and OCD struggles. Please, don’t forget I love you Jesus even though this is all so very hard.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Jesus, please help all of us who are suffering—particularly with Trichotillomania and OCD—to trust you with our struggles and the pain they produce. Help us to trust you even when we do not feel you near because, Lord, that is the hardest part of all.

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.