Avoiding the Satisfying Ache

Eyebrows: Week 4      Eyelashes: Week 2

Day 15 (February 18, 2019)

Hey Big Man,

            Your girl was lookin’ mighty fine over here in her painter’s mask. Lots of cleaning happened today, and the mask was vital since I had already experienced a big allergic reaction, earlier in the morning, to the kitty litter dust and had to take meds. (Got to love allergies, right!?) I wiped down the counters and stove in the kitchen, wiped down the tables in the living room, swept and vacuumed the floors, and finished folding the laundry. (Honestly, I am surprised I did not fall asleep standing up while cleaning.) You see, I stayed up all night—hopefully providing Dane encouragement and support—during the final big push of the movie wrap up. The poor guy did not get home until 5:45am, and then went back to work after sleeping only four hours. I don’t know how he is functioning at the moment, but his dedication and love for his job is truly an inspiration, and I am so proud of him and the artists who volunteered to help in those wee morning hours. (They are all the real MVPs.)

            Since Dane has been working so hard, I made sure that, when he gets off work, he will come home to a clean house and a bed ready to suck him into a much-needed sleepy abyss. Plus, cleaning was good for me, Lord, because I needed to keep my hands busy. I don’t know if you noticed or not, but some eyebrow hairs are growing back, especially on my left eyebrow ridge, and I did not want to mess with them. (Oh, how my body craves to rub, toy, and pull all the newly sprouted hairs.) Jeez, do I sound like a freak, Lord? Honestly? It scares me to think that I sound absolutely disturbed, or something, but I can’t help it. There is something going on in my body that just makes me feel the need, and sometimes want, to pull my own hair out. The action produces a satisfying ache which my body craves like nobody’s business. And, if this disorder wasn’t cruel enough, pulling newly sprouted hairs, at least for me, produces the most satisfying ache of all. (Of course, it would because, I can’t help but think, Satan hates positive progress, right?) Ugh, see why I needed to keep my hands busy, Lord?

            During the early hair growth stage, I must do something to distract myself from the temptation that I walk around with every hour of every day. (Seriously, Lord, it really isn’t fair that I must resist something that is literally attached to my face.) Typing about this is actually making me have insane urges to pull. And, honestly, I did just pull two eyebrow hairs out. So, as much as this disappoints me, I need to cut this letter short, Lord, and maybe take a shower. That usually helps quell the hair pulling urges since I cannot grasp the hairs with wet fingers. Normally, I would try to battle the urges and keep writing, but last time I did that it went horribly wrong. So, I am sorry I am not strong enough to write and resist the urge to pull today. I hope you can understand I am just trying to break the urge before it becomes uncontrollable. The hairs are growing back in, and I just don’t want to take a huge step back again. So, I promise to talk to you more tomorrow. I love you, Lord.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Lord, even though I must cut this letter short, I did not want to forget about others who are trying to resist the hair pulling urges too. If they are like me, can you help them stop what they are doing, if possible, and allow them the space and time to do whatever it is that helps them subdue the urges? Now I realize not everyone can just drop what they are doing, and focus on managing the hair pulling urges, so in those cases can you go to battle with those people? Remind them that their will power is stronger than the urges. And should some pulling occur, while trying to quell the urges, let each person know that they are not failures—but warriors—and it is only a lost skirmish (not even a full-blown battle). They did not lose the war. Thank you, Lord (Big Man)!

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.