HE IS HOME

Day 16 (February 19, 2019)

Lord!!

            Dane had a day off today! Finally, after 15 days straight, I was able to see him for more than a few hours. (Honestly, I do not know how military spouses do it. I applaud their bravery and long-distance perseverance.) It made me so incredibly happy just to be with him, Lord. Plus, after tomorrow’s workday, I get him for FOUR STRAIGHT DAYS. Your girl is beside herself with joy but, I will admit, there was one thing kind of picking negatively at my happiness today. You see, Lord, during the past two crazy weeks I did not go grocery shopping. So, that meant we had to go do that together today, on Dane’s day off, and that made me feel guilty.

            I guess I did not go by myself for many reasons, but the two main ones were: First, I was worried about people seeing my facial oddities and thinking that I looked like a freak and, second, my OCD was being a bully and telling me I would hurt someone in some way while I was in the store. I allowed the fear and lies to control me, and I did not complete a simple task for our household. Dane never asked me to go grocery shopping. In fact, he never once made me feel like I was a failure as a wife—as a contributing partner to the household—but, instead, showered me with compassion and understanding even though he was working like a mad man. (Honestly, sometimes, I do not deserve him.) What made me feel better, though, was the fact that Dane and I really enjoy grocery shopping together, and he made it very clear to me that he did not mind going on his day off. (Plus, I am sure it helped him to know that he would have four days off soon to do whatever he wanted.) 

            And, Lord, it really did help to have Dane with me while grocery shopping. (Today was the first time I left the vicinity of the condo—my safety zone—in 15 days. Dang that is hard to admit, but it is true.) It helped to have him by my side since I felt so insecure about my gap ridden eyebrows and missing eyelashes. I did wear my purple head wrap with the sparkles on the back though. The sparkles gleam so beautifully that I have started wearing the head wrap backwards so the sparkles shimmer around my face instead of behind my head. Overall, the wrap does a really good job of hiding most of my eyebrows and, honestly, somebody would have to be standing inches away from my face to truly tell that part of my left eyebrow was missing. And, you know what Lord, usually when my eyelashes are this bad, I would wear my purple reading glasses in order to mask my eyelash ridges, but I felt good, with Dane by my side, so I just put on some neutral brown eyeshadow, along my eyelash ridges, and called it a day. (I must have been feeling more than good because the eyeshadow kind of brought out the blue of my eyes and made them more noticeable than hidden. I’m thinkin’ that might just lead to a score worth sharing: confidence one, insecurity zero.)

            I realize I need to work on battling the lies and fear more, Lord, but I am thankful that I have a husband who works extremely hard to be understanding of my struggles and who does not make me feel like a failure. What I want to ask, Lord, is that you help me battle. Help me drown out the lies with your truths. Allow me to take baby steps and gain self-confidence along the way. Help me to never be a burden to my husband and be able to do my part as a partner in this household, especially since he works so hard every day. (Please help me gain some of my independence back.) And most of all, as I work on myself, help me to also show my gratitude and thankfulness to my husband, so that he knows how much I appreciate his selflessness and loving care. Thank you, Lord. With your help, I know I can beat the struggle.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Lord, I am sure there are others, like me, who have lost a bit of their independence amidst the struggle. Can you please help them take baby steps, as well, so they can prove to themselves that they are stronger than the lies their OCD spews? Allow those baby steps to turn into giant leaps of confidence, Lord. Show them, that with your help, they are strong enough to venture out on their own, and the fear need not control them. Thank you!

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.