A Day of Survival

Day 17 (February 20, 2019)

Hey Jesus,

            Thank you for hearing me when I asked you to help me today. I was having the cramps from Hell, and my entire body felt like it was tearing itself apart from the inside out. Honestly, I do not know if I could have endured the pain much longer if you hadn’t answered my cries and given me a short reprieve. It was just long enough for me to scarf down a granola bar, a few pieces of fruit, and some goldfish before putting an extra strength dose of meds on my stomach. I was so concerned to take the meds without food, since pain killers have hurt my empty stomach before, so it meant so much that I was given a few painless moments to really help myself. Though I do not usually like to take a ton of meds, today it was needed. So, after six hours of intense pain, I was finally able to function properly again.

            I know not everyone will be able to relate to this kind of intense—menstrual—pain and some might even think I am being dramatic but, Jesus, you know what I go through on days like this. The pain is absolutely debilitating, and I tell myself repeatedly that I just need to get through it—I just have to survive this first day—then everything would be manageable the next seven days. That is something that I don’t get Jesus. Why do some women have super short periods—for like 4 days—with super weak cramps, while others, like me, have periods that seem to last forever and involve cramps, nausea, back pain, soreness, migraines, etc.? Doesn’t seem quite fair. I guess we have Eve to thank for it all. (And you know what, Jesus, you can bet when I get to Heaven, I will be sure to find her and ask, “A fruit? Really? Did it at least have caramel on it because, wow, it sure ain’t worth all this pain!?”)

            Honestly, Jesus, I was just so glad that the pain subsided before Dane got home and before we watched the season premiere of Survivor: Edge of Extinction together. (Survivor is seriously our favorite CBS show, and quite the fitting show to watch on a day that was entirely focused on survival. You just can’t plan that kind of timing . . . at least not me anyways wink, wink.) It was hilarious because the first thing Dane did when he walked through the front door was look at me and say, “Survivor!!!” (I freakin’ love that boy!) The show is awesome, and we truly enjoy watching all the different challenges the contestants participate in. Dane’s absolute favorite episodes are the ones that involve food challenges. I think he just gets a kick out of watching me try to watch those episodes without gagging. (Like, for reals Jesus, how do people watch other people gag on tarantulas without gagging themselves?) Sometimes, I wonder how we would do as contestants on the show. I really wouldn’t mind trying out the physical challenges but, honestly, when it comes to the overall dynamic of the show, I think Dane would do so much better at it than me. After all, he is the camper in the family and wouldn’t mind sleeping on a bamboo structure in the jungle. (I, on the other hand, am very fond of a nice comfy bed and a toilet that flushes lol.)

            About halfway through the episode Dane had to pause the show to take care of something, and if I am being completely truthful, Jesus, I found myself messing with my eyebrows as I waited for him. My anxiety was heightened, due to my period, and my OCD was trying to be a bully and convince me that I would lift the window shade, to my right, and do something inappropriate. It then wanted me to believe that someone walking outside would see me and video tape me doing whatever it was that I was doing. Even though none of this was occurring, my brain felt on fire and my hand was instantly at my eyebrow. Rubbing my eyebrows soothed away the lies, but the action also rubbed away some hairs.

            Normally in these circumstances, I would have instantly felt disappointed in myself, for pulling my hair out, but not this time. Tonight, I did not beat myself up about it. Instead, I sat on the couch, accepted what had happened, affirmed to myself it was not a major pulling episode, and then kindly let it go. For once, I was not hard on myself and, Lord, that is progress. (Especially, since my self-talk is notoriously negative.) Jesus, I truly am proud that I survived an incredibly challenging day and night, both mentally and physically, but what makes me even happier is that I treated myself with compassion and kindness in the process. I blame Survivor for putting me in such a positive mind set. (Guess I will just have to watch more of my favorite show. Oh darn.) Silly, I know. But, at this point, I am like whatever works, Jesus. Haha, I love you.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Jesus, will you help us all survive those difficult days filled with pain and mental struggles? Will you please listen to our cries for help, and provide us reprieve from the pain we are facing? But, most of all, will you please help us not be too hard on ourselves if we pull a little bit, especially on days where we are facing a lot? Thank you!

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.