Tough Love

Day 18 (February 21, 2019)

Quick reminder. This is a personal therapy experience, and as stated on my disclaimers page, you must not rely on the information on touchofcharacter.com as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare providers.

Hey God,

            Hearing the blunt truth can be very hard but, sometimes, it is the exact kick in the butt you need. Like today at therapy, my therapist—Counselor Z for privacy’s sake—pointed out to me that I was not breaking my negative thoughts right at the moment they were occurring, and this was what was leading to my pulling episodes. She helped me see that I was allowing a negative thought to spiral into darker and darker thoughts, until the original thought had nothing to do with the current thought I was fretting about.

            You see Lord, recently I was frustrated with a writing project I was working on because I could not get the exact words I wanted down on paper. Instantly, my mind conjured up the thought that this somehow meant I would never help anyone since my words were not perfect. At that point, my mind spiraled and a new—darker—thought took over. I thought if my imperfect words were unhelpful then I had wasted so much time. In my head, I began to feel like all my writing—ALL my work—was worthless. And, if that wasn’t bad enough, my thoughts spiraled even darker until somehow my mind came to the demented conclusion that I was a horrible wife because my wasted time did nothing to contribute to the household. I saw myself—and not my writing—as worthless. It is crazy, God, because me thinking about writing imperfect words turned into thoughts of me not being a good wife. (The spiral was EPIC!) These two thoughts had absolutely nothing to do with each other, but since I did not break that first negative thought, and incorrectly linked the first and final thoughts together, I opened the door for stress and unhelpful coping mechanisms. (Which led to lots and lots of eyelash pulling.)

            I was so embarrassed that Counselor Z could tell I was not breaking the first negative thought. It had just become so much easier—so normal of a thing—to just clean up after the spiral. I had gotten so used to having barren facial ridges that somewhere along the way I started to allow myself to skip steps. Believe me, God, I could see what was happening. (It is just so hard.) Breaking the first negative thought takes so much effort and is mentally exhausting. Working stuff out later is just way less taxing. But I know, I know, it is worth the hard work to break the first negative thought. (I mean, I would probably still have all my eyelashes intact if I had put in that hard effort in the first place.)

            At the end of the session, Counselor Z apologized for coming across harsh, but I assured her she did not. I knew I needed some tough love. Dane had been trying recently, but I had instantly pushed back claiming everything was too much. Honestly, I was overwhelmed during the session, (and there were lots and lots of tears). But I knew that Counselor Z and Dane—both sitting in that room with me—were only trying to help me. Counselor Z is so good about making sure we work below the surface level and, today, I know she hit on one of the core issues I had been neglecting. I know I need to work on breaking the first negative thought and then my struggle with hair pulling will follow in line after. It will be hard, and it will take an insane amount of effort, but I also know I have done it before, and I can do it again. And, if I fall back into a bad habit—if I start skipping important steps again—I know I have people in my corner who will help keep me accountable. Thank you for their encouragement and tough love, Lord.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. God, I know it can be hard to be encouraged by tough love, but I also know that all of us who struggle with breaking negative thought spirals need someone—be it a therapist, a family member, or a friend—in our corner to give us that swift kick to the butt when our effort is slacking. Remind us that when they push us, it is done out of love and out of a want to help us continue to make positive progress. (I am sure our facial ridges would be forever grateful for the renewed effort.)

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.