Letting Go of the Beanie

Day 28 (March 3, 2019)

Hi God,

            Guess what! Dane and I walked to church today, and I did make a bit more progress while I was there. First, I must say that wearing my red, white, and blue striped beanie was a necessity today, Lord. It was sooo cold. BUT instead of wearing the beanie all through church, like I normally would when I am struggling with hair pulling, (hopefully that does not offend you!) I took it off once I got there and put it inside my book bag. Even though my eyebrows are not fully grown in yet, I decided that they were close enough, and I would let the lights inside the church shine down on them. After all, the gaps are nothing to be ashamed of, and I would hope my fellow church members would still love me even if they noticed the oddity.

            It was pretty awesome, God. I talked to three people before church started, and two people after the service, each time with my beanie off. And guess what! Not one of them looked at me strange. They just talked normally to me, about their past week’s events, and never made any gestures that would cause me to believe that they were weirded out by the gaps in my eyebrows. I even went to the front of church, halfway through service, to partake in communion without my beanie on. As I took a piece of bread from our pastor, I summed up the courage to look him straight in the eyes and smile. Even though him and his wife (my close friend) know much about my struggle, it is still extremely hard sometimes to let myself be seen. But you know what, he looked at me with absolutely no judgement in his eyes and smiled back at me as he handed me the piece of bread. (Honestly, I should not have expected anything less from any of my church family. They are kind and supportive people.)

            The only thing, though, is that I did wear dark brown eyeshadow and my reading glasses to camouflage my still very patchy eyelash lines. Honestly, I did not feel comfortable enough—in broad daylight—to forego the reading glasses, and that is okay. (Ha, no mood lighting to help me out this time.) Plus, I do not need to take on everything at once. It was really great that I was able to wear no beanie, and that is the progress I should focus on and be proud of. Especially since, before church, I had been fretting about what I should do. I did not want to wear my purple head wrap again, and I did not want to wear my striped beanie throughout the service. (In my head I just imagined the puff ball, on top of my beanie, blocking peoples’ sightlines and distracting them throughout the service.) All these things bothered me and made me feel super apathetic. (For a little while, I didn’t even want to go to church.) I mentioned all of this to Dane. I told him how nervous it made me feel to even think about not wearing a beanie but, of course, he encouraged me otherwise.

            Dane helped me see that the gaps in my eyebrows were not extremely obvious and that they would not be noticed by fellow church members. My heart grasped those words like a lifeline, and I utilized them to sum up the courage to not wear my beanie while inside the church. (Honestly, if not for his encouragement, I probably would have given into my worrisome thoughts and worn my oversized black beanie—with no puff ball—to hide my brows.) But I didn’t. Instead, I took off my striped beanie during service and learned how important it was to surround myself—and create deeper relationships with—those who influence me to grow in my faith. Lord, it is funny how church lessons just have the perfect timing sometimes. Also, Dane had such a positive influence on me today. He encouraged me to not let my fears stop me from fellowshipping with fellow believers, which is such an important part in our growth as Christians, and he helped me see myself the way you see me, Lord—”imperfectly” beautiful. (Plus, who wants to be totally perfect anyways—sounds boring lol.)

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. God, will you please help those of us who are struggling with hair pulling to keep on making small bits of progress? Help us to surround ourselves with positive influences who encourage us to never let our fears stop us and who encourage us to grow in our faith with you. Let each one of us see ourselves the way you see us, Lord—as strikingly beautiful warriors.

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.