A Well-Earned Sticky Toffee Pudding

Day 33 (March 8, 2019)

Hi God,

            I have been reflecting on some stuff, and I was hoping I could talk to you about everything. All yesterday—really all week if I am being completely honest—I had wrestled with whether or not to meet a few people from church at a brewery in our community. They were planning on grabbing something to eat and chatting about what they had been currently reading in their Bibles. That sounded great to me, and I was happy to be invited. I had actually wanted to get back into reading my Bible more, and I thought that this type of outing would be just the kick in the butt I needed to get the ball rolling. But even though it sounded like something I would be interested in, I immediately had doubts of whether or not to go, and two things, especially, kept trying to hold me back.

            First, there was my built-up fear of having to walk to the brewery by myself—through the endless amount of construction zones—in the dark. I was terrified because the construction zones would be draped in shadow, and visibly unclear, allowing room for uncertainty to creep into my brain as I walked past them. Lord, I saw that uncertainty as being the perfect fuel for my OCD because its chaotic hold would make it extremely hard for me to convince myself that I had not messed with equipment, or gas tanks, in such a way that made them dangerous—possibly lethal— to others, therefore leading me to automatically convict myself of harmful actions despite the lack of any catastrophic event. Second, there was the fear of putting myself in a second situation where I could possibly hurt someone, but this time in a restaurant. Lord, my mind was paralyzed with the thought that I would mess with cleaning solutions in the brewery, getting them into someone’s food or drink, and that would lead to the person getting sick or dying from ingesting poison. Lord, these unrealistic fears caused tons of “what if” scenarios to run through my head all week, and I wrestled with whether or not to go for days. My train of thought was that it would just be easier to avoid the situation all together. (After all, I had only said I would try my very best to make it, Lord. I never gave a firm yes.)

            The thing is our church holds a lot of these kind of group gatherings—mainly at peoples’ apartments—and I tend to say no to most of the get-togethers. It is just so insanely hard for me to go hang out in unfamiliar dwellings where a lot of my “check items” are located. Honestly, it would be much easier to go if Dane were able to go with me because he could quickly confirm to me—the same thing my heart always knows, deep down inside, but can’t fully seem to believe since my OCD is so loud within my brain—the truth that I had done nothing wrong while in the person’s apartment. But, unfortunately, his work schedule usually clashes with the timing for these gatherings, so I must go it alone. In truth, I have gone alone before, and it was excruciatingly difficult. It was hard because when the time came to leave, I would have to check each and every appliance that I was forced to go near, and it was extremely difficult to do that without being totally obvious and looking very weird. (Lord, I just don’t want to hurt anyone—EVER—no matter what my OCD says. That is just not me. I promise.)

            It can sometimes feel strange, Lord, because my OCD seems to contradict itself. My OCD tries to convince me with lies, and urges, that I will hurt someone—say by hitting stove switches on—but then it causes me to stare at the stove switches, before I leave anywhere, so that I make sure nothing actually happens. It is like my OCD creates a horrible, fake, scenario and then forces me to check and prove it is really fake. (Am I making any sense, Lord, because this brainy operation makes no sense to me!?) Dealing with this 24/7 is utterly exhausting, Lord, and so a lot of times I avoid going to these church gatherings because I just don’t know if I have much fight left in me by the 7pm meeting time. But I came to realize something, Lord. If I did not try to go to some church gatherings—outside regular Sunday service appearances—the gals at church would eventually stop inviting me and, weirdly enough, that idea made me more sad than relieved. So, none too soon, I decided to go meet some of my church family at the brewery.

            For a little while, yesterday, Dane had believed he could get off work at a reasonable time and drive me to the brewery. I was so happy because then I would not have had to walk through the construction zones. But unfortunately, 30-minutes before leaving, Dane texted me saying he was going to be held up at work and would only be able to pick me up to take me home. (He felt so bad, Lord.) But I let him know (and I have no idea where the heck this came from) that I was strong and could do this. And I did! I checked the bathroom and kitchen sinks to make sure the water was not running; I checked the stove and oven to make sure they were off; I checked multiple tables, cabinets, and dressers to make sure nothing would fall off and hit Maple on the head; and, lastly, I checked to make sure Django’s cage top was secure. The checks did take me a bit longer than usual, but it was no biggie because I just walked faster to the brewery. (Honestly, that was probably better anyways because I wanted to spend as little time as possible in the construction zones.) Plus, I am sure it came as no surprise to you, Lord, that I was able to walk over metal grates, past coned areas, and next to locked up equipment without messing with a single thing. Man, how perfectly, wonderfully, and boringly NORMAL.

            I think the thing that ended up being the hardest part was worrying if I had messed with anything in the brewery. When I first arrived at the basement level dining area, I noticed the sign that alerted guests arriving to wait to be seated. That was totally fine, I didn’t mind being patient, especially since I had no idea if anyone had arrived yet. I sat down on a bench, across the way from the sign, and that is when my OCD locked onto the cabinet, with open shelving, right next to the sign. This was exactly the type of thing that I was so scared of seeing because my OCD uses open cabinetry like that to create chaos and lies within my brain. Instantly, it tried to make me believe that there were loads of bottles around there, with harmful chemicals inside, and I would inevitably mess with them and hurt someone with them. To combat those lies, I sat on the bench and focused my vision on the items on the cabinet. I noticed stacks of plates, napkins, menus, and a few other regular table items. No cleaning bottles were clearly visible. This fact helped calm the chaos within my mind, and soon I was able to sit on that bench, peacefully, until someone arrived.

            Dinner was a mish-mash of people eating jerk chicken, salad, and desserts. I was one of those knuckle heads who ate dessert. Placed right in front of me was a beautiful bowl of sticky toffee pudding!! I’m telling you, Lord, I don’t know how that sponge cake stayed solid underneath that warm, thick, layer of toffee sauce. And dang the ice cream on the side was d-e-l-i-c-i-o-u-s! (I basically inhaled the ice cream because, well, I couldn’t let it melt now could I, Lord!?) But don’t worry, I ate dinner before going, so dessert was absolutely needed at this time. Plus, I feel like I kind of earned a sinfully delicious bowl of sticky toffee pudding after what my brain tried to put me through.

            Ha, even more delightful than my dessert was the conversation at the table. I won’t get into all the Bible reading topics, but I would like to talk a bit about my reading in Genesis. I am trying to read the Bible in order, Lord, and I just read about how you created the world—and everything in it—and the one big question that keeps popping up in my head is: Where the heck do dinosaurs fit in within your creation of all things!? I posed this question to the group too and, honestly, I didn’t really expect anyone to give me a straight answer, and that is definitely not what happened. We all seemed to be wondering the same thing. Lord, it is hard to imagine Adam and Eve getting along well with Velociraptors and T-Rexes. (Ha, it is a fun thought, though, to think of Adam as the real deal Velociraptor whisperer!) I guess it doesn’t really matter in the end how the timing worked—between when dinosaurs lived and when human existence began—all that matters is you created them, and us, and that is pretty freakin’ awesome!

            The talk at the table was great, Lord. We covered all sorts of topics, and by the end of the meal, I was extremely happy that I had decided to push past my fears and joined my fellow church members at the brewery. Reflecting back on last night, I may not have realized, in the moment, where that burst of strength—that is so unlike me—came from when I texted Dane that I could do this, but now I know you were the one who made me brave enough to face my fears last night. It was not an easy feat, but I am so thankful that you were there every step of the way with me. You were there, walking right alongside me, giving me the confidence I needed to just walk on by the construction equipment; you were there in that brewery with me helping my brain replace the chaos of the moment with truth that I had not messed with anything; and you were there in the car, and at the house, giving Dane words of truth that would help quash any anxiety left over since leaving the restaurant. Lord, you were there all the time, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. Thank you for giving me that burst of strength last night because, dang, I could have missed out on one delicious sticky toffee pudding. (Okay, okay, and good conversation too, Lord!)

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Lord, I am sure there are others out there that want to do something fun, but they have allowed their doubts and fears to keep them caged within their tight comfort zones. Please don’t let those doubts and fears hold them back from activities that please you. Give them a burst of strength to complete those activities because then they just might experience the immense joy you had planned for them all along. (And, who knows, maybe they will get to eat sticky toffee pudding too!)

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.