One for the Books

Day 46 (March 21, 2019)

Quick reminder. This is a personal therapy experience and, as stated on my disclaimers page, you must not rely on the information on touchofcharacter.com as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare providers.

Hey Big Man,

            I LEAVE FOR NORTH CAROLINA IN TWO DAYS! (Holy guacamole!!) Thank the Good Lord—hey, that is you haha—that Counselor Z had a slot available right before my trip because, dang, your girl really needed some positive perspective knocked into her noggin. (Honestly, my therapy session could not have been scheduled at a better time.) During the hour slot, I spent a lot of the time explaining, in detail, all the craziness I endured on account of my period yesterday and concluded by letting her know that I had decided not to write any more of these letters before or during the trip. (I explained that I would bullet point everything that happened, and how I was feeling, each day, so I could work on the letters accurately at a later date.)

            The thing is I knew that trying to fit time to write—during period pain and amidst all the trip stressors—would completely push me over the edge, and I did not want to do that to myself. And you know what!? Counselor Z touched my knee lightly and told me how extremely proud she was of me. In my head I was like, huh?? But then, she took some time to explain her thoughts to me. To begin with, Counselor Z expressed to me, again, how strong she thought I was because, in the first place, I did not decline going on the trip even though I knew how hard it would be. Even though I knew that I would have to face public bathroom triggers, cramped plane triggers, and unfamiliar environment triggers, I still said yes to leaving on a trip solo. (If I might be so bold, I think that is a bit courageous on my part, Lord. I mean, I am about to do things on my own that absolutely terrify me.)

            Secondly, she looked right at me and explained enthusiastically just how huge it was that I decided to not push myself to write just before, and during, the trip. Counselor Z was soooo proud because I had set healthy limits for myself. If I had not set limits, the anxiety of not being able to write the letters the way I wanted to, or the stress of not having enough hours in the day to complete everything, would have most definitely had ample opportunity to mix with my separation anxiety, period pain, and, later on, trip stressors—a toxic collision with the potential for an epic meltdown. So, it was such a smart thing to postpone my work until I got back home. (Honestly, Lord, I cannot believe that I actually got myself to pause something mid-point. I never do that. Now, that is healthy progress.)

            Counselor Z continued by congratulating me on how well I broke different spirals during my horrible period pain yesterday. She was impressed that, amidst the intense pain, I had the strength, and presence of mind, to get myself out of the restroom—even for just a few minutes—in order to drink some water and eat a granola bar because it all helped break spirals I was facing. Getting water in me helped break the spiral of worry revolving around dehydration, due to all my emptying out, and eating a granola bar allowed me to take additional meds therefore breaking the fear spiral I had revolving around never-ending pain. Now, I didn’t do everything on my own. If you remember from my previous letter, Lord, one of the main things that was sending me over the edge yesterday was the spiral of what ifs I had about the upcoming trip. Dane had called to speak words of encouragement to me, and those words helped break the what if spiral and end the full body shakes it induced. (That meant the world to me.) And you know what else meant a ton, Lord? How proud Counselor Z was when I told her that I had utilized the video of my sister playing tennis to help keep my calmer state in effect, therefore never allowing the three spirals to regain any ground.

           Gosh, but do you know something crazier, Lord? Even though all these previously mentioned things were accomplishments to be proud of, there was one accomplishment that Counselor Z highlighted above all the rest! She mentioned the fact that I had not said anything about pulling during my detailed description of yesterday. (I was like whoa! Wait a hot minute. In my head I furiously worked to find a “weak” moment, in which I pulled, but there was not such a moment that I could recall. SHE WAS RIGHT!) During all the time I was in pain, I never pulled once! Maybe not pulling is slowly becoming second nature, a positive habit, because it didn’t even cross my mind to pull in reaction to my fears. Breaking all those spirals was, truly, a huge deal because it really did show just how right Counselor Z is when it comes to her drilling in me the theory: That if I put in the hard work, to break my spirals, then I should see a correlation between those small wins and the victories I have against my Trichotillomania. (And this was a BIG win!)

             Lord, I really do believe that it sometimes takes a third party to put some of your worst pain, and anxiety, filled days into perspective. I left that session feeling prouder of myself than I had in a long time. Counselor Z really shined a light on how strong I really am because, dang, I deal with a lot—both psychologically and physically—and I have never given up. I may have come close once or twice, but I have never let it crumble me into nothingness. Lord, I just keep fighting. And you know what!? The next time I get down on myself, I am going to remember all I accomplished yesterday and remind myself that I am capable of just as many accomplishments today, tomorrow, and the day after that. What a session for the books, Lord! What a session.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Lord, please help those who deal with anxiety and Trichotillomania to get connected with a third party if they feel comfortable doing so: Like a therapist, counselor, family member, friend, coach, etc. I ask this because I truly believe it is so important to have someone, who is a bit outside the struggle, be there to help shine a light on the positive aspects within a battle—positive accomplishments people might not be able to notice because they are too close to the pain. A great hope of mine is, once achievements are revealed to people, that you will help them to hold onto each one because they will help bring a positive perspective to each persons’ struggle, and the achievements will remind them that they are stronger than they think. Plus, positive reinforcement, within a struggle, is just plain healthy, and they (we) need more of it. Thank you, Lord.

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.