Here We Go Again
Day 45 (March 20, 2019)
Oh Lord,
I am sure you saw me when I was doubled over—my left hand was white knuckling the back of the dinning chair, and my right hand was grasping the small lip of the black granite countertop—in the kitchen. I could hardly breath, Lord, the pain was beyond what most women could have probably handled. (You know, I would like to think my pain tolerance is pretty dang high but, today, the multiple symptom pain was too much to bear.) All those symptoms—cramps, backache, nausea, emptying out, rectal fissures, and a hemorrhoid of all things—brought on by my period, shot my anxiety through the freakin’ roof. My mind and body did not know what to do with themselves except freak the “F” out.
Out of the million things my mind could have locked onto in that moment, of course, it chose to remember all the fears I had about the North Carolina trip. (Obviously, my brain wanted to kill me in this moment!) My fears revolving around airport triggers and all the unknowns I was soon to deal with concerning where I was staying and the homes we would be looking at (plus my separation anxiety), all collided with the excruciating bodily pain I was facing in order to produce a full body breakdown. Uncontrollable shaking took over every inch of my body until my pain frazzled mind was consumed by the conclusion that the world was crumbling around me, and I was most certainly dying. The sense of doom that enveloped me was darker than any pitch-black night you can imagine. Soul sucking, in its intensity, the feeling of doom crept over my frame—eliciting hair-raising goosebumps upon my shaking limbs.
Lord, I am also sure you heard me begging for help because, when all seemed lost, Dane’s voice broke through the pain induced fog surrounding me. (Thank you for making him available at that odd hour of the day.) Through bent over gasps, I tried to focus on his voice, coming out of the phone that was placed haphazardly on the counter to my right, so that reality could hopefully seep back into the space around me. I slammed my eyes shut, listened desperately to his loving words of encouragement, and tried my best to breathe as he asked me to do.
In . . . and out.
In . . . and out.
In . . . and out.
After a while, the body wrenching shakes slowly subsided into small, manageable, quivers. I let Dane know that the panic was calming down and that I wanted to try and get some water in me and eat a granola bar. (As you know, the water is vital in keeping me hydrated, and the granola bar allows me to put more pain meds on my stomach.) Since I was still waiting for the pain, and emptying out to subside, I relayed to Dane that it was probably best that I head back into the bathroom. He was worried about getting off the phone with me, but I assured him that the worst of the pain, and anxiety, had passed, and I would be able to get the rest of my symptoms under control relatively soon. Reluctantly, Dane signed off, and I got ready to employ a unique weapon in my arsenal—a video of my sister playing tennis.
To some it might seem like an odd tool to utilize in this moment but, as you well know Lord, the sound of the ball being hit back and forth during the long rally is a very soothing noise to me. The rhythmic sound lulls my mind into a more peaceful state and keeps it calmly distracted while the rest of my body waits for the helpful effects of the pain meds to kick in. (I will be honest, sometimes the video actually makes me nod off for a few seconds, which can be quite interesting when you are sitting on the commode. Ha, TMI?) After a short while, of listening to the video on repeat and allowing my body to do its thing, I was able to peel myself away from the porcelain throne and leave the bathroom. Luckily, I did not have to go back in the bathroom, for any extended period of time, for female needs.
In total, I endured five hours of absolute hell, but I am still grateful to you, Lord. I know many people would not blame me if I got upset with you right now, and pushed you away, due to the fact that you allow me to have the worst freakin’ periods on the planet but, honestly, I feel like that would be a huge waste of time. Instead of focusing on the negative, I want to focus on the positive, Lord. After all, you did not forget your daughter during those five grizzly hours. First, you lovingly provided someone to be available, at the exact time I needed them, and they were able to reach me through the darkness and help me calm my anxiety induced shakes. Second, you equipped me with a unique digital tool that was extremely useful in helping me relax on my own and, in turn, it allowed my body to overcome the last bouts of pain a bit easier. Your helpfulness did not go unnoticed, Lord. You are such a loving Father. I love you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Always,
Your Daughter Kaitlan
P.S. Lord, this one is not just for the ladies. The topic of period pain is obviously geared more towards the ladies, but full body shakes are definitely something both men and women alike can experience, one or more times, in their lives. And since the full body shakes are one of anxiety’s most scary elements, at least to me, I would like to ask that you be with those who also deal with this bodily reaction. I ask that you, please, put someone in their life that can find them in the darkness and who can help them see that the doom is not real. Put someone in their life—when they are in the middle of battling anxiety induced shakes—who only needs to say one word to them in order to get their brain to believe your truths—that they are not in danger; that they are safe; that the shakes will stop; that you have not forgotten them; and that you love them so much. Thank you!
Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.