Rollercoaster Update

Eyebrows: DONE        Eyelashes: Week 7

Day 50 (March 25, 2019)

Hey Jesus,

            You took a seat right next to me, buckled up nice and tight, pulled that bar over our laps, and readied us for quite the ride. All these past weeks have been building up to this moment. The rollercoaster car, we have been seated in, has been trudging up a huge incline I created by pulling (clickety clank, clickety clank, clickety clank) but, finally, we made it to the top Jesus! We made it to the end of week eight, and I have finished the growth timeline for my eyebrows. Jesus, it should all be downhill from here. (Not in a slippery slope sort of way, but in the sense of letting the fight go somewhat and moving with more ease through each day—one less thing to battle.)

            My eyebrows have grown back in lush and full. There is no longer a gap at the bottom of my right eyebrow, and the huge section of hair that was missing near where my unibrow would start, on my left eyebrow, is no longer barren but completely grown in. I actually felt pretty today, Jesus. (Like let the Sun shine bright, way atop this rollercoaster incline, and allow the rays to make my face visibly clear!) Ha, the fact that one of my major facial oddities has disappeared, makes me feel a hell of a lot more confident in my own skin. I will admit, though, it is still a bit hard to look people directly in the eyes since my eyelashes are not quite finished growing back in, but it is steadily becoming more of a comfortable action to undertake. I will say, I am extremely proud of what I have accomplished thus far. It was brutally hard not to pull during all the stressful moments of the past eight weeks, Jesus. But with your help (and my wonderful husband’s help), I was able to employ mighty will power, and strength, when I didn’t think I had much left in me. Now, just a couple weeks left to go for my stubborn eyelash hairs!

             Oh, Jesus, while we are sitting up here at the top of the rollercoaster, I must fill you in on something else that occurred today. (Ha, like you don’t already know since you have been on this crazy ride with me but humor me.) The whole family visited one of the local universities and, honestly, Jesus it was truly a “high” point of the day! The campus was absolutely stunning with all its brick buildings, but what was even more incredible was the fact that each major’s main building had its interior designed in such a way as to immerse students into an environment extremely similar to the one they would eventually integrate into in the real world. (Pretty smart if you ask me, Jesus.) Though the buildings were grand, the whole school had a small university feel which was right up my sister’s alley.

            Plus, get this. Our student guide didn’t even know what we meant when we asked if the school was impacted! Ha, his face was a total blank. Well, every student in California knows what impacted means, and it is definitely not fun to be wait-listed for classes you are in dire need for in order to graduate. It would be much easier for my sister to get in all the classes she needs here than if she went to college in California. (Huge plus for North Carolina.) Honestly, Jesus, I could totally envision my sister going to the university we visited today. It is gorgeous. But more than that, I could see her making wonderful friends and eventually taking advantage of the university’s study abroad program. That girl is meant to go to Europe! (Plus, should she meet—and fall madly in love with—a spectacularly rich English man, I mean, I wouldn’t hate on the idea. Wouldn’t mind having an estate to visit abroad. Did I mention it is all about me, haha?? Just kidding . . . but, seriously.) 

            Ha, Jesus, the fact that I can see all this, helps change the way I feel about my family’s move a bit. Instead of North Carolina not feeling like the right location for our new family home, it is starting to feel a bit more purposeful. My family would be in community with a couple longtime friends who already moved there (and eventually with a new church family of course), while also becoming deeply connected to the area due to my sister possibly creating strong ties to a university there which comes with a community all its own (a whole new set of lifelong family friends) that tug the heart to the area in a very unique way. Being in community with others truly does help a place feel more like home. Now, it is just time to find the right home nestled within that special community of people.

            Speaking of homes, Jesus, I hate to say it, but it is the house hunting that made the rollercoaster take quite the plunge today. Not because I was feeling unsure about the area but because my OCD was in full force walking through all the houses. It was tough going from feeling really good at the university, to feeling completely like I had careened off the rails. (But can you blame me, Jesus? We walked through nine houses. NINE! That is enough, for anyone dealing with OCD, to cause a complete meltdown.) The houses were all different: Some homes were completely under construction; Some homes were new builds devoid of any staging; Other homes were filled to brimming with knickknacks since people were still residing there.

           I did my best to have someone walk around the homes with me—like my mom or sister—so it would be obvious to someone else if I did something wrong, and they would say something to me, but sometimes people went off on their own and that was really hard for me, especially in the houses with knickknacks. (Jesus, knickknacks are elements for chaos! They just set my brain aflame with all sorts of scenarios.) But, beside the knickknacks, my brain mostly feared four main things at each house:

1. That I hit stove or oven knobs on, and the house would burn down because of me.

2. That I hit buttons on a coffee pot, causing it to be on too long, and somehow that would cause damage to the house all because of me.

3. That I hit sink knobs on, and the whole house would flood because of me.

4. That I hit a fireplace switch on, and the house would somehow burn down because of me.

5. Regarding #1 and #4, I also worried that there was gas involved, and it would be left on. The residents or workers would not realize it, and they would fall unconscious and die because of me.

            Believe me, I realize that most of my fears are unrealistic, but they still terrify me, nonetheless. In the moment, it is so hard to speak logically to myself because my OCD is in a complete panic. In an effort to calm that panic, so I could still function and enjoy the house hunting process, I did try really hard to work out things I was struggling with during the short snippets of time it took to drive from house to house. By the end of the day, I had the migraine from hell and could barely manage anymore. I texted Dane—once back at our friend’s place and in my own room—in complete desperation and asked him to call me and help me work through everything, but he was at work and could not call me. That set off the rubbing. My hands went straight to my eyebrows, and I just began rubbing them (head to tail) over and over and over again. Hairs that I had been so excited about earlier, laid like casualties upon my fingers. The sight of them sent my head spinning, and I was beyond sick with disappointment and self-loathing.

            In that moment of utter panic, everything in me wanted to give up and give into the numb sense of nothingness that beckoned my ravaged mind. I texted Dane saying, “I am so alone in this. I can’t do this anymore. I’m getting worse, and my demons are not going away.” He lovingly replied:

                        You are not alone. I’m right here. And God is always with you.

                        Even if it might not always feel like he is. He surrounds you. He

                        gives you strength. All you have to do is leave your problems with him.

                        He will take care of the rest . . . [Babe,] you are so much better. You are

                        just doing something right now that is just extremely hard for you.

                        You should be so d*** proud of yourself. Oh, Kaitlan. I love you with

                        all that I am. God is with you, my love. You are my one and only. You

                        are my person. Please just know how much I miss you and love you.

                        I promise you that this will all pass. Please just do your best to listen

                        to everything I have said.

Jesus, can we just take a minute to marvel at the man you put in my life. He not only speaks truth to my battle ridden mind, but he points me back to trusting you each time I am struggling. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a helpmate, but I am so beyond grateful for my love.

            During the next few hours, I did my best to work through the struggles I was facing. First, I consoled myself by confirming to my disappointed soul that the hair loss was very minor and completely unnoticeable. (I could still be proud of what was there and the fact that I had stopped rubbing pretty quickly.) Secondly, I worked through the houses I was still having trouble with—visualizing, room by room, where I had been in relation to the things I was scared of touching and who had been near me to alert me of any wrongdoing—and if I had trouble convincing my brain that everything was okay, I texted Dane the details, and he texted back truthful confirmations which my mind latched onto like multiple life preservers. (Obviously, Dane couldn’t have known everything that happened, at each house, but that wasn’t needed in order for him to be helpful.) He was helpful because after I had told him what happened, he was able to let me know, truthfully, that it all sounded fine—that nothing seemed harmful to others—and if my mind tried to add “what ifs” and false realities to the truth, Dane would bring me back around to the truth I had already spoken and help me to refocus on it. That is what I mean when I say that Dane texted me truthful confirmations.

            Jesus, I could not have calmed the panic spiral without your strength. Nor could I have done it without the calming, truth filled, texts from the man you put in my life. Because of the way you both helped me today, I was able to make it through the low part of my day—careening like crazy at times—and finish out the rollercoaster ride on a high. You know what, Jesus? We ended the day by gathering at our friend’s dining room table and playing a few rounds of Mexican Trains. Sitting down together to play games made me really think about this move for my family, and it really hit me, again, that it doesn’t really matter where the new home is located. I will be happy with wherever my family decides to live just as long as we continue to gather at the table and play the family games we love. Walls change, geographical locations change, but our ability to love each other and have fun together doesn’t. Playing games together, and just being with each other, will make a place home and that is what is most important to me—not the spot on the map. Now, Jesus, if only you would have helped me play the game better. I have yet to win Mexican Trains—like EVER. That would have ended the night on an extra high. Your girl is a bit competitive, but you already knew that.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Jesus, can you also hop into the other cars of my fellow rollercoaster riders? Some days are filled with insane highs and lows, and we just need you so much, each and every day, but especially on those rollercoaster days. During those highs—those moments where our hair growth is complete—please celebrate alongside us because your helpful presence was, and always is, a huge part of our success. And during those lows—where we are pulling on the same day our growth timeline has concluded—please empower us with your strength because it is extremely instrumental in helping us stop the pulling before too much damage is done. (Maybe empower us with your gift of grace too, so that we won’t beat ourselves up about the drawback but, instead, will focus on the fact we stopped when we most definitely could have pulled more.) Thank you for being with us through the ups and downs of our hair growth processes, Jesus. You really have signed up for quite the ride, and we appreciate it so much.

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.