“White as Snow”

Day 66 (April 10, 2019)

Hi Jesus,

            Unfortunately, it was a hard day. Old demons came back to haunt me. It’s super annoying because even though they have already been worked through, it doesn’t seem to truly matter. What usually happens is something I am doing, or watching, will trigger their memory and it is like, all of a sudden, they are brand new again, and I feel compelled to hash them out over and over and over again. (Lord, it’s like I beat the demons for a time, but then they just regroup and find a new way to attack. I hate how much these past occurrences have so much power over me.) It’s tough, Lord, because it is not like they were the only things I was dealing with today. There were other things going on that were already making me anxious. So, basically, I had double to process—double the intrusive thoughts, obsessions, urges, and panicky moments to work through—and it all felt so piled on and heavy. Honestly, I needed to talk everything out with Dane. I felt bad though because it was going to be things we have already talked out before, but my brain just needed reassurance that things were still okay.

            The thing was he was at work today, obviously haha, it is Wednesday after all. So, to keep myself sane—in order to make sure I did not spiral over the edge—I decided to do something that would fight the spiral with joy. And that was reading a book. Lord, I LOVE Christian historical romance novels!! Like seriously, Lord, put a little romantic mystery in those pages, and I will not be able to put the book down. (I may or may not have forgotten to eat lunch today for that very reason.) Crazy enough, I finished the book I was reading—The Love Letter written by Rachel Hauck—by late afternoon. Holy moly it was good. It was a sweeping time slip novel which intertwined characters between the Revolutionary War era and modern day. I was absolutely captivated by the way Hauck wove two different love stories through time. Jesus, it made me think of you and the sweeping love story between you and all of us who believe in you with all our hearts. (Yours is truly the greatest love story, and one that encompasses all worldly time periods and continues on through eternity.)

            Reading seriously helped keep me even keeled today, until I could sit down and hash things out with Dane again. Lord, I just need to thank you, once again, for my husband. Even though I get nervous to talk things out with someone else, Dane loves me through each messy discussion. (Lord, I tell things to Dane that I am sure most people do not share with their spouses.) Yet, instead of being judgmental, he compassionately takes my shame and lovingly works through it with me for the umpteenth time. Dane continually lifts a little bit of the load off my shoulders and promises to carry it for me. And, Lord, I know I say this often, but it is true: Dane demonstrates to me a selfless and patient kind of love—a love that is as close as humanly possible to the type of love you surround me with—and, Lord, I just praise you from the bottom of my heart for caring for me so deeply that you would place Dane in my life. Your gift of comfort to me does not go unnoticed.

            You seriously love me more than I deserve, Lord. Even with this brain I have. A brain where OCD muddles the truth of my actions in order to “protect” me from possible harsh realities; a brain that, because of that “protection,” cannot distinguish a correct verdict from a false reality, therefore leaving me in a state of limbo where I wonder if I am a despicable person or not; and a brain that, because of all of the above, cannot let go of its demons even though I have poured my heart out to you and Dane about them numerous times. You know me, Lord. I have asked for forgiveness for the demons I know clearly, and I have tried to give you the messier, more muddled ones, because I know you know the truth of them and will know I am grievously sorry for the things my brain will not figure out on its own and which were wrongful. (Ugh, maybe I am leaning into the OCD in order to avoid hard truths, and I am sorry, Lord. I just cry out for forgiveness for all of it.)

            Lord in Isaiah 1:18 you lovingly exclaim this about sin: “…Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” I know this to be true if we come to you with our sins—our past demons—genuinely and repentantly. (I hope you can tell I am trying, Lord.) All of this is just so hard, and I just pray that you help Dane and I rehash all these demons and help them not to cling to me so tightly in the future. Help me find a way to let these demons go because I know, if you felt I genuinely asked for forgiveness for these sins, you have forgotten about the transgressions so very long ago, and I should too. Please cleanse my weary soul “white as snow.” I love you, Lord. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Lord, I am sure there are others out there that need to rehash past demons with a loved one or friend, but the timing is not quite right. In those cases, will you please help that person find an activity to do that brings them joy—something that keeps them level and not teetering on the edge of the sanity cliff—just until the person they are comfortable with is available to talk? But, more than that, help them remember they can talk to you too, Lord. After all, you are the best at working out heavy situations. And, Lord, if they come to you genuinely with their obvious wrong doings and their muddled sins, please forgive them and their truly repentant hearts. Then, open their eyes to the wonderful fact that they are no longer “red as crimson” but are “white as snow.”

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.