A Win for the Light

Day 73 (April 17, 2019)

Hi Jesus,

            I got a text from Dane suggesting I go hang outside today because he thought it was the nicest day we have had since last November!! It was another day in the 50’s (Fahrenheit) and gloriously sunny! He told me I needed to enjoy the nice weather while I could because the weathermen were showing rain for the next few days. Sooo, I got dressed quickly and blended a tropical flavored smoothie to take with me and headed out the door so I could enjoy a sunny, and “warm,” afternoon hanging out on my favorite bench at our neighborhood park. Though the walks are always hard for me—I think that is well established by now haha—my OCD fears were very mellow this round. (It helped that there weren’t really any parked cars, along the sidewalk, to worry about, and there weren’t many people out since it was normal work hours.)

             Lord, can I deviate for a moment? Okay, it drives me crazy that I get scared when I walk past parked cars that have their windows rolled down, or trucks that have tons of miscellaneous items in the back of their beds. (Like, really?) I never used to be so scared of walking around vehicles but, as Dane and I have found out over the years, the things my OCD locks upon consistently change and morph over time. (Some fears become easier to work through, or eventually stop altogether, just in time for new overwhelming fears to take their place.) It is just so annoying to deal with these newer obsessive thoughts—e.g., that I will harm someone by messing with items within their vehicle—because that is just not me, Lord. Not me at all.

            Like today, I prepped for my walk as per usual, since I had no idea there were going to be so few parked cars around, by placing my hands directly in front of me—one hand tightly gripping my keychain lanyard, hanging around my neck, and my other hand holding my smoothie container in front of my chest—so that I would be able to quiet my OCD with these truthful internal words: Nothing was wrongfully done, while on the walk, because your hands never went to the side, Kaitlan. They were directly in front of you the whole time, and you know that. (One day, Lord, I hope I will not have to take such measures and will just believe automatically that it does not matter if my hands go to the side because I will trust my true character which would not intentionally harm someone by messing with their personal things. One day, I hope I will once again—like times past—walk around normally without thinking about these kinds of things.) But until that day occurs, I am grateful that this measure works to ease my mind as I take my walks because it did put me in a great state of mind for my time at the park, Lord.

            Alright, Lord, the detour has ended, and we have arrived at my favorite bench which overlooks a large patch of green, where people love to take their dogs to play, and a jungle gym for small kids. I sat for nearly an hour and took in my peaceful surroundings, i.e., a couple sitting and talking to each other, at a picnic table in front of me, while their mastiff sat obediently at their feet; birds chirping on the pathway to my right (excitedly thanking the humans that scattered bird seed all over the ground for them); and a small group of men working quietly alongside each other as they moved their way all along the park’s borders surveying the grounds. (I had a few irrational fears pop into my head concerning the surveyors, but I was able to quash any qualms I had, that they might be videoing me instead of the land, relatively quick.) Honestly, my surroundings were just too peaceful to worry about such things. The sun was just too gloriously warm, Lord, and I was happy.

            Thank you for creating such a brilliant and emotionally uplifting celestial body. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and lift my cheeks towards the sunshine in hopes that they might get kissed a little brighter. I also put my hair over my left shoulder so the sun could drench it in its warm rays. (Holy moly, Lord, I have never been this pale or dark blonde in my entire life. I miss being my towhead, tan self haha. But maybe it is a good thing to have given my skin a short break from the strong sunshine down south. Maybe, haha!?) Lord, sitting there on my favorite bench, I could feel the stirrings of spring/summer, and I am counting down the milliseconds till the warm weather is an everyday occurrence (well at least for a couple months anyways). Thank you for giving me the courage to take my husband’s advice and get out of the house on this absolutely gorgeous day, Lord. It was exactly what this SoCal girl’s soul needed. It refreshed my spirits while, at the same time, tacked on another win for my true self in the battle against the lies my OCD tries to make me believe. Lord, today was a win for the light in all respects. WOOOO!

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Lord, I would like to ask that you help others, who are also dealing with fears that come and go in a sort of cyclic manner, face the newer challenges with courage. Help them to see that the fearful thoughts—new or old—are not a reflection of their true character but a reflection of the bully, named OCD, within their brain. Please help them to never let the OCD stop them from participating in the things they love, even if they must employ safety measures sometimes (like I do) that they find annoying because battling for the light is always worth the effort. Thank you, Lord. We love you.

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.