A Solution to the BOOM?

Day 74 (April 18, 2019)

Quick reminder. This is a personal therapy experience and, as stated on my disclaimers page, you must not rely on the information on touchofcharacter.com as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare providers.

Hi Lord,

            So, here is the thing. Normally when I go to therapy, Dane meets me outside the building—a building which holds multiple different office spaces for various companies—so we can check in at the front desk together. The receptionist then buzzes Counselor Z to let her know we are there and, once Counselor Z is finished with her previous client, she comes to greet us in the lobby and walks us back to her room. After the hour-long session all together, Dane and I normally leave out of the therapy office’s back door—a door that once exited would require a key fob or someone to open it in order for you to renter into the office space—because there are clean, private, restrooms available for use before exiting through the final security door for the main building. After exiting out of the building, Dane and I either part ways, if he is working, or head out together to grab lunch if he is free.

            I tell you this, Lord, because the norm was broken today. As you can see from my previous description, bathroom runs normally happen after the session is ended, and I just wait for Dane in an unoccupied hallway, and all is well with my anxiety. But today, Counselor Z settled me in my usual chair, in her room, while Dane ran to the restroom. It wasn’t very long before Dane texted me to tell me he was at the inner security door waiting to be allowed back into the office spaces, and Counselor Z excused herself to buzz Dane back in. Lord, I can count on one hand the number of times I have sat in the lobby alone, but not once have I ever been left alone in Counselor Z’s room. (That is until today, Lord.) The change in the norm was small, but it was enough to send my mind into a complete tailspin.

            Some might read this, Lord, and think why the heck is she freaking out so bad? Isn’t she in a space she is completely familiar with? Shouldn’t she feel safe? And, deep down inside, I am like yeah, they are right. (Why is my mind panicking just because I am being left alone?) But I know why. It isn’t the space as a whole that scares me but the couple items that change within that space that set the panic into motion. Once Counselor Z left the room, my eyes took in the items on her desk straight ahead of me. They locked on three items in particular: the hand sanitizer, a drink with a cap on it, and an open mug. Though my hands did not touch any of the items, just the sight of a solution being near Counselor Z’s drinks—the fact that I was alone with opportunity to pour the hand sanitizer in Counselor Z’s drinks and harm her with contaminated water—was enough to drive me to distraction. And before I could internally tell myself I had done no harm, Counselor Z and Dane walked into the room. (I was literally alone for maybe 30 seconds—not enough time to do anything—but that did not matter. For the next half hour, my mind worked ferociously to convince me I had done something nefarious.)

As I waged an internal war, Counselor Z discussed how she believed it might be time to combine our CBT skill work with anxiety medication. If I was comfortable, she wanted me to make an appointment with my family doctor to go over the concerns I had about anxiety medication, i.e., concerns I had about the medication changing my personality. (The last thing I need, Lord, is to deal with something new on top of the OCD and Trichotillomania I already dealt with.) Counselor Z thought that anxiety medication could really help me since the things I have been dealing with (ironically like my fears revolving around bottled solutions) have stayed at the same intensity levels despite my CBT work. Lord, I started balling right then and there.

            Through the tears I tried my best to explain to Counselor Z that I was not crying because I was overly frightened of the medication idea but because I had been having a really difficult time concentrating during our session for fear that if she were to take a drink, at some point today, I was going to hurt her, and I did not want to. I informed her that I knew deep down inside that I did not pour the hand sanitizer into her drinks, while I was alone in the room, but it was these types of unwanted urges and intrusive thoughts that I battled 24/7 and which debilitated me at times. The thought that I will harm or violate someone are the fears that are so opposite me, yet the fears that plague my every moment. They are the fears that keep me from going to the grocery store or to the hair salon. Sometimes I beat the fears, Lord, and it takes all the will power, and prayer, I have in me, but sometimes they beat me . . . stifle me . . . and hold me prisoner within their lonely clutches. It is exhausting to continually escape and remind myself of who I really am.

            Counselor Z thanked me for telling me what was going on, and she caringly expressed to me that I had not hurt her. She also thought this a good example of why medication might be the gentle push I needed to bring the intensity of my urges/intrusive thoughts down to a more manageable, and more easily beatable, level. (Make OCD less of a bully, and make the panic less of a BOOM every time.) I agreed and promised Counselor Z that I would seriously think about anxiety medication as being a possible option for me. A sense of relief washed over me as we reached the end of the session, and I think everyone in that room was really proud of me for opening up about what was really bothering me in the moment. Maybe it was the gigantic hug and kiss Dane gave me afterwards that gave me the biggest clue as to how he felt the session went, or maybe it was the Vietnamese victory meal he treated me to afterwards that spoke volumes. At any rate, Dane and I talked about the possibility of anxiety medication over that scrumptious meal, and I hope you will help us choose wisely, Lord. (Haha, just pictured Indiana Jones at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade!) Love you, Lord.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. I feel like anxiety medication is a very touchy subject and people often feel differently about them. So, Lord, I am going to keep this prayer simple. I ask, Lord, that you provide wisdom to those of us who are researching, and contemplating, adding medication to our anxiety regiment that way we can discern if it is the right thing to do in our own unique situations. Remind us to talk it out with a medical professional because they can provide very important facts that will help inform our decisions. Thank you so much.

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.