Walking Through the Storm

Day 24 (February 27, 2019)

Lord,

            I WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE ALL BY MYSELF TODAY. Dane had offered to make the grocery run for me, when he walked home from work, but his foot was really paining him, and I didn’t want him to have to walk more than absolutely necessary. So, I decided to do the grocery run on my own. We only needed a couple items, so I knew I wouldn’t be away from my comfort zone for too long.

            It was not easy, Lord, because before I could even leave, my OCD forced me to do, what I call, “My Checks.” These checks consist of making sure that:

1. The sink and shower are not running in the bathroom.

 2. There are no items hanging off my nightstand and dresser that can fall and hurt Maple.

 3. Our huge engagement photo, on the wall next to the bedroom door, is hanging securely and will not fall on  Maple either.

4. The stove switches all point to off, and the oven is not turned on.

5. The kitchen sink is not running.

6. Our leopard gecko, Django’s, cage top is securely in place, and two important items are securely placed on top of it: First, his heat lamp and, second, a book so if Maple sits on top of the cage she won’t fall through the mesh and hurt Django.

7. All the heavy and breakable items, on my cream china cabinet, are away from the edges and nothing will fall on Maple’s head.

The checks took me a good 30 minutes. I always get hung up on the bathroom sink, stove, and Django’s cage. (Did I look silly staring at all those inanimate objects, for long periods of time, Lord?) Well, I can’t help it. Plus, 30 minutes is nothing compared to how long the checks can take me at night. (But I won’t get into that right now.) Soon, though, I was all bundled up and able to walk out the front door.

            If there was a day not to walk to the grocery store, it was today! It had been snowing for over eight hours, by the time I decided to leave, and the snow had really built up on the sidewalks. (Everything was absolutely beautiful, though, draped in a blanket of shimmering white.) But, let me tell you Lord, everyone looked absolutely miserable walking around in all that blowing snow. (Did I mention it was 17 degrees Fahrenheit and felt like single digits??) I really think my California blood has thickened since living in Canada for almost five years now! It’s funny because now the only time I will absolutely refuse to walk outdoors is if it is negative temperatures outside. Maybe that is not entirely correct because in January, Dane and I went skating on an ice trail, three hours up north, and it was -30 degrees Fahrenheit with the windchill. (Ha, who am I, Lord?) Anywho, it took about 15 minutes to walk to the store, even in the storm, and though I was scared to enter the building, it sure felt nice to get out of the wind.

            It was hard entering that store, Lord. On the left, immediately after entering through the sliding doors, was a meal prep area where you can order things like cooked chicken and French fries. Across from that counter area was an entire station devoted to different assortments of cheeses. To the left of that was a pizza prep station. All these areas scare me because they often have spray bottles, filled with different kinds of solutions, sitting around and my brain automatically goes into chaotic, panic, mode when my eyes see them. My OCD tries to convince me that I will mess with the bottles and get solution on peoples’ food and hurt them. I have never done this, but my OCD wants me to believe that I will. What was tough, was the first item on my list—shampoo—was one aisle over from these stations and I had to traverse past them in order to retrieve it.

            You will be proud of me, Lord, because I put both hands on my purse—that way my OCD could not lie to me and make me feel like I touched the bottles—and walked past the stations and right into the aisle with all the toiletry items. (And, wouldn’t you know it, the shampoo I wanted was out of stock.) Ha, I feel like that moment turned a tad anti-climactic, but I did grab a similar smelling shampoo and headed off to grab my final item. I walked past the instore coffee shop and pharmacy, which normally both give me a hard time, but all workers were present, so my brain felt instantly at ease because they would obviously react if I did something wrong. (Which I didn’t of course—like usual.)

            The next aisle I needed to go down was the aisle with all the condiments, and when I looked down the length of the store, towards the condiment aisle, I saw something that frightens me any time I am in any store—a stocking cart. It is not the stocking cart itself that scares me, (obviously lol!) but the items that can normally be found on them. Typically, the carts are piled up with open cardboard boxes and food items, but those things are not the problem. The thing that frightens me is the store employee’s drink that can sometimes be found down at the bottom of the cart. Anytime my eyes lock on that drink, my OCD automatically tries to convince me that I will get something bad into the cup. There might not be anything bad around the cup, but that doesn’t matter because my OCD will try and trick me into believing there really are bad items around, sending the rational part of my brain into hyperdrive in order to counteract that nonsense and reassure me that it is just my OCD creating a fake reality.

            UGH, Lord, I have never put anything bad—or poisonous for that matter—into anybody’s drink, so I just don’t understand why my OCD tries to make me believe I would do such a horrible thing. (Is it because Satan knows how much I do not want to hurt people, so he attacks with that kind of fear most of all?) Well, Lord, I will tell you that I walked right past the cart—which, by the way, only had a pile of trash and an employee’s jacket on it—and turned right down the condiment aisle. I made my way to the salad dressings and grabbed my favorite balsamic vinaigrette before heading right past the cart, again, on my way to self-checkout. Within minutes, I checked out my two items like the non-harmful boss I am, and then walked out of the store!!

            Once I got home, I decided to try and take a selfie, on the porch, to document my achievement and to go along with this letter. Maybe these letters could fool you, but I am not someone who likes to take a lot of selfies. (Probably because I am overly critical of myself and, often times, do not like how I look.) With that in mind, it did take a few tries to get a couple photos that just might make my critical cut. But that turned out to be the least of my worries because my OCD ended up locking onto the fact that there were a couple of people sitting in their cars. Each car was within a close enough distance that these people could have been watching me take the selfies. My brain began to panic because I did not want anyone videotaping me, as I was taking the selfies, and then posting the video online to shame me. (I have seen multiple videos like that, Lord.) The thought that this might happen took over my mind, and I went inside the condo completely panicked. What is worse, is that all the other fears that I had kept in check, during my outing, seemed to cloud into a chaotic mess due to my panic. It was all I could do to just get unbundled and text Dane for help.

          Even though he was at work, he immediately called me. He asked me what was bothering me, and I told him it was all too much, and I didn’t know where to start. Dane asked me to tell him about my biggest fear, but I couldn’t. I could not go out of order—I had to start from the beginning, or nothing. So slowly, I described my outing to the grocery store—in painful, second to second, detail—to Dane. He listened patiently, quietly affirming along the way that I had done nothing wrong, until I got to the part that set me off. I explained my fear of being videotaped, and being shamed online, and he instantly assured me that this was most likely just something my brain concocted, since I truly had no idea if I was being videotaped or not. Plus, he helped me realize that even if I had been videotaped, and that video got posted online, I probably would never know, so it was not a big deal.

            After a little while, my tortured mind began to let go of the lies. I breathed a sigh of relief as my mind reluctantly, but bravely, held onto the truths my husband so lovingly poured into me. Before getting off the phone, Dane told me how proud he was of me, and that meant absolutely everything to me. And, you know what Lord, I was proud of myself too because I braved my fears and OCD struggles, even though it would have been easier to let Dane walk to the store. I don’t want to sound like I am tooting my own horn, Lord. It just makes my heart happy that I pushed past my fears, and showed my husband kindness, by completing the small grocery run on my own. He does so much for me, and I hope that today he felt like I supported him in some small way. (In all honesty, my heart would never have forgiven me if I had left the grocery shopping to Dane, especially when his foot is paining him.) So, Lord, I am proud that I did not let my OCD win today, and I hope you are proud of me too because dang that was hard.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Lord, thank you for small and large victories. I pray that you help others, who are feeling like their fears and OCD struggles are holding them captive, be able to complete one simple task on their own this week. Allow this one achievement, whether a small or large victory, be beneficial to more than just themselves. Help their achievement support someone they love. Thank you, Lord. We love you!

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.