A Year

Day 26 (March 1, 2019)

Quick reminder. This is a personal therapy experience, and as stated on my disclaimers page, you must not rely on the information on touchofcharacter.com as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare providers.

Hey Lord,

            I did that crazy leg workout, again, today. Those crazy squat cross jumps seriously feel like they are meant to kill me, but I really do enjoy doing the running step ups. (They don’t make my legs feel like death.) Since a lot of these leg exercises involve jumping, I have been trying to complete them in the bedroom. My hope is that the carpet muffles a bit of the pounding for my poor neighbor below. We understand how loud the sounds can be since our neighbors above have a dog that bounces around like crazy (literally sounding like it is going to crash through the ceiling)! So, we try to be as courteous as possible when we are moving around more than usual. The carpet may not do much, but it isn’t a long workout, so hopefully there will be no noise complaints in our future.

            The leg workout started out my day on a tired, but positive note. And you know what, God, it got better when I saw the calendar and realized that today—one year ago exactly—I had my first therapy session here in Canada. Gosh, I remember how nervous I was to meet my therapist for the first time. I was so thankful that Dane came with me. (He actually comes to all my therapy sessions. Having him there helps me feel comfortable enough to open up—my husband knows everything I deal with—plus, it allows him to be an accountability partner since he knows what my therapist wants me to work on.) I really didn’t have anything to worry about that first day, though, because Counselor Z truly has one of the kindest hearts. (But you know that already, Lord. That is why you led me to her, isn’t it?)

            Man, when I first started therapy, I was a total wreck. My panic attacks were out of control, and I could hardly function. There were times when the panic would take over my body, and I would pace and pace the bathroom because I did not know what to do with myself. In those moments, Dane would come into the bathroom, cup my face, and tell me to look at him. (His face would be one of pure love.) And, as I looked at him, he would speak words of truth to my tormented mind. It was a tough time because menial tasks around the house were nearly impossible for me. (I mean, I never did the dishes because I was so scared I would break the glass cups and end up getting the glass shards into Maple’s food, therefore hurting her when she ate.) Even though he would never agree with me, I know I must have been a burden to Dane for a while. There were many occasions when I would need him to call me during the day because only his words could calm me down. I felt so horrible because, many times, it took up to 30 minutes to get me at a bearable level. (I seriously do not know what I would do without my beloved.) Plus, I must say, my exercising was very minimal at the time, and my eating habits were not the healthiest.

            But I am happy to say that therapy has made such a huge difference in my life (and in Dane’s life too). I know I still have things to work on—like breaking my negative thoughts before they spiral, so that my hair pulling can start to be managed. I know I can do it, and therapy will help. After all, it has helped with so many other parts of my anxiety. I mean, hey, I am able to do the dishes every day now. (HUGE achievement in my book!) And, over the past year, I have made a giant effort to eat a more balanced diet. Vegetables, grains, fruit, and water are consumed on a more regular basis and, though it took about 10 months, I believe this effort contributed to the positive change in a certain medical issue. I am sure increased exercise didn’t hurt either. Dane and I have been ice skating on the outdoor rinks, and ice trails, a ton. (Us California kids have our own hockey skates and everything!) Plus, as I mentioned before, I have been utilizing those workout videos more and more. (My legs are going to disown me tomorrow because of them!)

            God, there are two very important areas where I am proud to say I have made leaps and bounds: First, to the relief of both Dane and I, my panic attacks have lessened considerably over the past year. I may not be the best, yet, at breaking my negative self-talk, but I have gotten much, much, better at breaking the panic before any hyperventilating and shakes occur. (I’m still not perfect in this area, and I might never be, but I have turned a corner.) The other thing, Lord, is when I call Dane for help, it is no longer a 30-minute call. On an average day, I work most little things out on my own. (Pretty normal I would say.) But when the harder OCD struggles take over my mind, I still need some help affirming that all is well and that is when I still have Dane call me when he has a moment. The calls normally last, now, for about five to ten minutes on average. Cutting down the calls by 20 to 25 minutes is something that has taken a lot of effort, and I hope I can cut it down even more over this next year. It should be possible since I plan on continuing therapy a second year.

            Lord, I may not ever be perfect—I will probably always deal with OCD and Trichotillomania—but it sure does help to know that my therapy sessions provide great tools that help me manage my anxiety better. Over this next year, my goal is to get better at breaking my negative self-talk, right when it starts, so that my negative thought processes don’t ever have the chance to lead to pulling episodes. I want to see good progress in this area just like I have seen in the other anxiety areas. Maybe these workouts I am doing will help. Happy endorphins seem like something that would be good at combating negative thought processes and good at keeping unhelpful coping mechanisms in check. I’m willing to test out that theory. Bring on those killer leg workouts, Lord.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Lord, will you help those who are interested in therapy find a therapist who is kind and compassionate? Can you help them find a therapist who can give them great tools that will help them manage their OCD and hair pulling better? Also, can you make sure that if they are not comfortable going to therapy alone, that they may be allowed to bring someone they trust to sit alongside them in their sessions? If people are ready, let them unburden their minds, Lord.

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.