All About Balance

Day 60 (April 4, 2019)

Hi God,

             I posted a picture of myself from my North Carolina trip onto social media and, man oh man, it is so difficult for me to post something on there, let alone just getting online. The thing is that I find going online—or onto social media apps—extremely unsettling. (There just seem to be so many things to trigger my anxiety.) There are always places to post things, a bazillion areas to comment your thoughts and feelings, every site wants you to register and give them your information, and sponsored ads are popping up anytime you scroll down a page. You are just bombarded with chaos at every click. Plus, it is so difficult for me because sites and apps are constantly changing, and updating, and this causes my brain—that loves order and continuity—to feel unsettled and unsafe. When I get onto social media apps, my OCD goes into chaos mode, and it tries very hard to convince my brain that I will post something bad and won’t know it because things are consistently in different places. (The interfaces of the apps constantly feel topsy turvy to me and that feeling of discombobulation makes my mind feel like it is in danger.)

            All these things are why, for the past four months, I have limited my social media time and why I have posted very minimally. I mostly post about Dane’s achievements and when special occasions arise. And, up to this point, I have never posted any stories because the fact that they just disappear (and I can’t check them after a time) completely unnerves me. So, today’s post—a picture of only me in North Carolina—was truly a big rarity for me. If I am being honest, I just felt like I looked really pretty in the photo, and I couldn’t help but want to post it. And I did. But I will tell you, God, the choice did cause me a lot of anxiety. Not because of the picture itself but because the influx of attention, from family and friends, can be a bit much for me. The overflow of notifications makes me a bit uneasy. It is weird because I find myself watching for the notifications because, like any normal person, I do like the sweet comments but, at the same time, that constant stream of attention is tough because the act of getting on and off the phone apps tends to spark anxiety within my mind. (Posting something for me is basically like a double-edged sword.)

            So, God, knowing posting a picture of myself would make me anxious, I decided it would be wise to do things throughout my day that would detach me from my phone and take my focus elsewhere. It wasn’t like I was putting myself on time out, or anything. I would still be able to check notifications, but I would be checking notifications on a less frequent basis due to the fact that I was completing activities that took up my entire attention. (Hopefully giving me a good balance of still being able to view my post but, at the same time, limiting the bombardment of triggers I would face to a manageable amount.) And you know what one of those activities was, God!? Baking, of course! I made a batch of slightly overbaked blueberry muffins. (Ha, oops, they are a tad bit more brown than golden.)

            But that is okay because it really wasn’t about the outcome, it was all about the process. (Is that cheesy, God?) Some people may find it weird that I have such a hard time posting a picture on social media and that the constant stream of notifications makes me feel anxious, but I can’t help it. I try to be strong and make posts every once and awhile, and when I do, I have found that it is helpful to pair that anxious action with a stable activity because it seems to help keep my anxiety in check. I don’t really know why but following baking instructions and mixing ingredients is soothing to my anxious soul. Maybe it is because baking instructions don’t really seem to ever change. (That concept is extremely therapeutic to my OCD brain.) There really aren’t any updates to the way you are supposed to fill little paper cups with batter. The time in which you bake the muffins is pretty fixed for most ovens. (Ha, you just have to do a better job at paying attention to the time, unlike me this go around.)

            I guess it is just that baking has a way, at least for me, of making me feel more secure in what I am doing because there are hardly ever changes to the recipes I use. Plus, I was detached from my phone for a time. It is not like I couldn’t be on my phone—I mean, I checked my post, on my phone, while the muffins were in the oven—it was just about knowing my limits and participating in activities that helped restrict the number of times I willingly faced the app triggers. By doing that it helped keep my mind psychologically well-balanced while also empowering me because I did not shy away from posting something I really wanted to. (I am proud of myself because, in this case, I was strong because I did not let my fears dictate what I could or could not do, but I was also strong because I had enough self-awareness to acknowledge the fact that social media makes me anxious, and there were things I could implement into my day to better handle that anxiousness. And I did!) Not too shabby, right God!?

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. God, I know this may seem like a post where I am all over the place, but I just know that there must be other people out there who have trouble utilizing social media because all the changes and updates make them feel anxious. It is hard to constantly be bombarded by app interfaces that are ever changing. So, the prayer most on my heart is that when people, especially those who deal with OCD, utilize social media, they also pair that anxious activity with an activity that makes them feel more settled and secure. Let them see that it is not about removing the activity they enjoy, that also provides the chaotic triggers, but providing a second activity that helps them manage the number of times they must face the chaotic triggers. It is all about providing a balance between their actions and their psyche.

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.