Begrudging Thankfulness

Day 61 (April 5, 2019)

Hi Jesus,

            I already expressed my concerns to Dane, but would you mind if I just vent a little more to you? Lord, I just hate my red gloves. (I’m sorry. I know we have been over this before.) It is just that they used to remind me of chilly winter days when I would go up into the old mining town, near my childhood home, with my family. We would go grab a booth at the pie shop I worked at for years and enjoy the best hot cocoa in town. (Haha, I blame that pie shop for my cocoa addiction!) The bright red color of my gloves used to bring about feelings of cheerful holiday spirit and spark memories of a time where life seemed a bit easier. But unfortunately, now, they only seem to leave my hands sweltering in red rage for they have become a tool for battle rather than a simple Christmastime accessory.

            Jesus, they are a reminder of the Trichotillomania urges I fight every day but, more than that, they are a reminder that I am not strong enough on my own not to pull and that makes me feel frustratingly weak. But the truth of it is, Jesus, I do need help, and even though I detest my red gloves with all my might, they are a helpful tool in my daily battle. (So, I guess, I really just need to suck it up and get over those annoyed feelings and be more consistently thankful for them—even if it is a most begrudging thankfulness.) I mean, if last night isn’t proof that I need to work on my attitude towards my red gloves, I don’t know what is.

            Last night I tried to work on writing, but the words were just not flowing. My writer’s block led to frustration which then led to anxiousness. That anxiousness led to pulling which then led to more anxiousness. Then as you can probably imagine, that increased anxiousness led to double-time pulling which then led to even MORE anxiousness, until it all started revolving into a clearly toxic cycle. Ugh, Jesus, I do not understand how the one thing I feel called to do—writing—is, at the same time, one of my greatest triggers. Maybe it is not that strange. I would imagine when someone is following the purpose you have given them, that is the area the evil one will target most and where he will try to make us the most ineffective.

            Oh man, Jesus, as you well know, once I start pulling it is nearly impossible for me to stop because each hair I pull gives off that intoxicating achy good feeling I crave, and like any difficult addiction, I assume, that feeling becomes the center of my mind’s universe and it is extremely hard to get my brain to let go of its unquenchable thirst for it. Unfortunately, I did not put my gloves on last night, and I did end up giving in to the urge to pull. I ended up pulling 10 eyebrow hairs out. (Believe me I was beyond disappointed in myself, and I knew I should have just put the gloves on, but I was stubborn. So stupidly stubborn.)

            Afterwards, Jesus, I explained to Dane how worried I was that I was not going to make it to the end of these next few weeks(ish) and how fearful I was that I would not make it to the last letter (where I hope to display a before and after photo) with my hairlines intact. Honestly, my greatest fear was that I would have to start all over again, especially since I knew victory was so close at hand. I just did not know if I had the strength, and will power, to begin again from scratch.

            Can I be honest, Lord? I just wanted to feel pretty again. Dane says I am beautiful no matter what, but I cannot help it, I feel prettier with eyebrows and eyelashes intact, and I would love to have all of that again—even if it is just for a little while. It is just hard sometimes to see how the heck one is supposed to make it to victory when the battle is so thick and all-consuming. Lord, within these final skirmishes it is so important that I calm the waves of battle so I can get a clear picture of damage dealt, how to practically avoid further casualties in the future, and the surest steps towards that super close victory shore.

            Annoyingly, I guess, that is where my red gloves come into play. By putting on the red gloves, I am no longer able to pull. My hands are impaired for a time and, slowly but surely, my brain accepts the fact that access to the achy good feeling has been disabled. My mind then begins to let go of the fixation, the urges start to truly dull, and a calmness takes the place of fighting, allowing for the cloud of war to be lifted and victory to not feel so far away again. And that is soooo important because it produces hope, Lord, which is invaluable in these final stretches.

            So, Lord, as you might have guessed, by the photo above, I made the decision to wear my red gloves while I wrote all day today and intentionally produce that hope I just mentioned. I still do not like the gloves, but they really are better than the alternative. (I do not want to lose 10 more eyebrow hairs for no good reason.) Begrudgingly, or not, I need to be thankful for my red gloves because they truly are useful, and they will be helpful in getting me to that finish line. (And, of course, your help is just as important, Lord. I can’t forget that.)

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Jesus, I would love to ask that you help all of us dealing with Trichotillomania, especially those of us who are in the final weeks of our re-growth process, to hold strong and use whatever positive tool we have in our arsenal—even those ones we loathe—because they will be helpful in getting us through the finish line. The final stretch is the hardest, Lord, and I am sure there are some who are not sure if they will make it. So, if there are some who have pulled, and they are soooo very close to the end, please help them move past any feelings of disappointment, so they can calmly regroup, quell the urges, and move boldly towards that victory shore. AND, please do not let them forget that, while their specific tools are important, your help is the most important. Thank you so much for that help, Jesus. We love you!!

. . . Oh, and I did not pull a single hair today, just to let you know. Woohoo!

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.