Day 62 (April 6, 2019)

Hey Lord,

            So, I had to choose a path today: Either face my fears and run to the store to purchase a nasal rinse OR stay at home in my comfort zone but chance getting a sinus infection. This dilemma I faced was prompted by something super annoying. Earlier today, Maple decided to be a rambunctious kitty and run her flying laps all around the house. And, of course, as she was running through the hallway, her nails got caught in the towel underneath her water bowl, and she yanked the cloth from beneath the dish. (The girl does not know how to walk, let alone run, without her claws out.) As you can imagine, this caused a large amount of water to pool all along the baseboards and cover an extension cord connected to Django’s terrarium. I soaked up the mess but, as I was doing that, I noticed a bunch of dust bunnies behind the table that Django’s terrarium sits on, and I decided to vacuum all the dust up as well. After I had things tidied up, I grabbed our little stinker so I could take a picture with her for this letter. (I mean, it was the least she could do since she was the reason I was having to clean in the first place.)

            Lord, if you look at the picture above, you can see I had put the small handheld vacuum up on top of a cardboard box, that usually sits on the hallway table’s middle shelf, and that turned out to be a terrible mistake. With little effort, I managed to knock the stupid thing right off the box, and straight onto the floor, creating a lovely crescendo of crashing noises for our poor neighbors below. At a quick glance, the vacuum looked no worse for ware, so I put it right back onto the cardboard box and finished taking a couple pictures with Maple. I then grabbed the vacuum—unaware that the compartment that held all the dust had been jostled loose just a tad—and turned it on to suck up one more area of dirt.

POOOOOF!!

All the dust I had vacuumed minutes before blew up in my face! All I could think of in that split second, as the dust cloud settled onto every inch of me, was thank you Lord that I had a dust mask on! Flimsy as it was, I truly hoped it would save my nasal passages from enduring future weeks of endless snotty messes. (I am highly allergic to dust as you well know, Lord, and I was really freaking out inside.) It’s just that I know how awful sinus/allergy infections can be, and I did not want to have to deal with one over the next few weeks.

            Immediately, I washed both arms off and took one of my allergy meds. I then lint rolled the clothes I had on so that I could take my mask off in order to down a cranberry pomegranate Emergen-C (vitamin) packet. After cleaning up a few other quick things, I hopped straight into a hot shower and breathed in as much warm steam as I possibly could. But, honestly, even though I had done all these good things, I was still worried it was not going to be enough. (The amount of dust that had enveloped my head was just insane and the thought of it was making my OCD go into overdrive.) My brain was completely locked onto previous memories of sinus pressure, where my entire head felt like an engorged balloon, combined with nostrils that were runny and stuffed up at the same time. (How does that even work!?) The thought that I was going to get a sinus infection really upset me, so I had to make a decision, Lord. I was at a fork in the road, and I had to make a choice of whether to go to the store and pick up that nasal spray, or not. I could either remain safely at home—and avoid the fears that came with leaving the house—as long as I was okay with the possibility that there could be dust lodged in my nasal passages; or I could choose to go—and put myself directly on a path to deal with multiple OCD fears—but know I had done everything in my power to avoid getting sick.

I decided to go.

            It was the right decision—the right path. (You and I both know, Lord, that my OCD would not have let this go if I chose otherwise. So, for peace’s sake, I chose to face some OCD fears today.) Now, interestingly, the 10-minute walk to the store was the hardest part. (I would have thought inside the store, with all the cleaning products lying about, would have been the greater obstacle for my mind, but it wasn’t.) It was the first day where the temperature was over 50 degrees Fahrenheit, and everyone was out—I mean, EVERYONE. The sidewalks were very, very, crowded. People were walking their dogs (both of which, I am sure, were very glad to not have to wear ice protectant shoes/booties as they went along their way); gardeners were happily creating the new Spring floral arrangements that would eventually line one of the main drags, through the community, with beautiful pops of color; and weirdly there were an unusual number of kids (for the young professionals type of community we live in) joyfully running around the sidewalks. It was all a very lovely scene but, I will say, a tad (okay a great deal) over stimulating for my brain. I do not mean to put a damper on the scene, Lord, I guess I just know I would do better sitting, in a spot I feel safe and secure in, as I watch the happy goings-on around the neighborhood rather than walking through the bustling commotion alone. (I do not mind all the action; I just prefer not to be mixed in with all the moving variables. Slightly removed, yet still a part of it all, is more my speed.)

            Inside the store, things were actually a whole lot calmer than outside, and I was able to walk around in a clear, non-panicky, state of mind. Once in the pharmacy section, I was able to find the many nasal sprays, but most of them were medicine based. And, wouldn’t you know it, the one spot on the shelf where the tag actually said nasal “rinse” just happened to be glaringly empty. (All of them other allergy sufferers beat me to the punch LOL.) In my head I knew that couldn’t be the only nasal rinse in the whole section. (Lord, my walk was not going to be for nothing. No siree Bob!) So, I searched the options, reading through every single box ingredient label, until I came across a nasal mist tucked away down at the very bottom of the shelf that was exactly what I was looking for! It was an off brand, but that was no matter because it was not medicine based and had just three ingredients: sea salt water, aloe vera, and purified water. (PERFECT!) I snatched that sucker up and made my way to the self-checkout. Oh, but not before I picked up a chicken fajita meal from the store’s pre-prepared section. (Lord, your girl deserved some Mexican food up in her life. Oh, how I miss legit San Diego Mexican food. Drooool. Sorry, tangent.)

            You know, Lord, I could describe my walk home, but I think the important thing to emphasize here is the fact that I did not let fear stop me today. I walked to the store along very busy city streets, maneuvered through a usually difficult grocery store environment for me, and then walked back home down those same congested thoroughfares. And I did it all by myself. (Well, not entirely. You walked the path I chose with me. What I really meant was that I did everything without the help from another human.) It is something to be proud of because, as you know, I tend to rely heavily on Dane for things I used to be able to do on my own because for some reason they have become incredibly difficult recently. (I am not a doctor, but sometimes I wonder if there hasn’t been a hormonal shift causing my OCD spike—I feel like something similar happened around the time I ended high school too. I don’t know, Lord, these difficult periods just seem to come in waves. But, again, I am no doctor.) The good thing to note is that, today, I did not let my OCD stop me from taking care of myself to the best of my ability.

            In completing my task, I showed myself, again, that I can trust myself—especially in these cases when I am trying very hard to be independent—because, again, it was very clear that I did not touch anyone inappropriately, and I did not put toxic solutions into anyone’s drink while I was out. These truths keep instilling in my brain, more and more proof, that I am a good, decent person, and my OCD is what Dane and Counselor Z say it is . . . a total bully. There is a lot of evidence stacked up against my OCD lies, and I am slowly starting to see that I need to think kinder of myself and stop seeing myself as a Horrible Hermit but more as a High-Minded Hopeful. I need to start seeing myself as someone who can, once again, take the sometimes scarier, more independent, side of the fork in the road because I am a capable person. I am someone who can beat my fears. Plus, just because I am wanting to be more independent doesn’t mean I will be alone. You, Lord, will be there to walk the path with me. (And, boy, if I were my OCD fears, I would be a whole lotta worried.) Haha, I love you so much, Lord.

Always,

Your Daughter Kaitlan

P.S. Lord, I am sure there are so many other people that are dealing with fork in the road decisions and are not quite sure if they are up to the task of facing their fears. Some probably feel like they are horrible people for having to battle disturbing OCD urges (which they are not) and are probably even more scared of walking down a path that leads them into a situation where they must ferociously fight those urges, silently, while in public. Believe me, Lord, I hope people can avoid those environments that trigger the urges the most but, sometimes, that is not always possible.

Sometimes things pop up, and they will have to venture out into the world to get certain things accomplished—like, perhaps, the chore of buying nasal spray from a grocery store—and the decision to leave the house will likely take them down the scarier, sometimes more independent, side of the fork. In those cases, Lord, I pray you let each person’s decent and appropriate actions, while they are out and about, prove to them that they are not Horrible Hermits but, instead, are really Honorable Humans who are 100% capable of facing their fears and doing more things on their own, especially because you will be walking the path with them. Please don’t let them (or me) ever forget that. Thank you, Lord.

Thank you for reading! If you are new, this is a chronological blog series. It is best read in order. CLICK HERE for the intro.